Getting Real: The Hero Mentality of Foster Care Pt 1

 

We were at a dinner and someone was asking me about foster care, why and how we got into it.  "That's very.................................nice of you."

I'm not sure he meant nice but he was speaking along the lines of the "charity" or "goodness of our hearts" to take these kids that are not our own in.  There is a hero mentality in foster care.  Not by the foster parents, but by society in general.  It's a belief that what we do is extra ordinary.  We are hero's, rescuing these kids from a horrible past.

Here's part of the problem with that.  Our kids do not view us as rescuers, but rather as preventing them from being with their family.  Let me repeat that: our children do not view us as rescuing them from their past, rather they see us as preventing them from being with their families.

Early on in Baby Girl's counseling her Counselor taught us to pass the buck and "always push the blame up the ladder".  Blame the agency, blame the judge, always pass it on.  She said that because often our children turn around and blame us for being in foster care.

I hear this out of my children's mouths at least once a week: "I'm mad at you because I want to live with my birth family."  Or "I'm mad at you because I don't want you to be my mom, I want my birth mom."  Or "I won't show you respect because you make me live here, I don't want to live here."

We've been working on this for two years and I still here that at least once a week.  

The hero mentality damages our children.  It gives them a sense that they should be grateful to us.  It makes them believe that they owe us something for all we've "given up" for them.  It COMPLETELY goes against true love!  It COMPLETELY goes against healing these kids.

We are not the hero's for rescuing these kids, because we didn't rescue them.  They are the hero's because of all they are choosing to overcome on a daily basis.  We do not need gratitude for raising them, rather we are privileged to have them in our family.  At the core it's not about us, it's about these kids.

Living With Littles: Chores

There are lots and lots of blogs and Pinterest boards toting the best way to do chores with your child.  I find other family chore systems so interesting.  We approach ours in three different ways.

Family Chores:

We are a family and there are jobs we will do because we are a family.  Helping get ready for dinner and clean up dinner would be a way that we work together as a family.  Their is no reward for this.  We simply expect our children to chip in.

Baby Girl holding a root beer float at the park, one of our chore rewards

Daily, Personal Chores:

Every day we have a list of chores for our kids to do.  Usually they are doing around two to four chores each day which includes helping to pick up the house, bringing down the dirty clothes basket, cleaning the landing, watering plants, vacuuming, etc.  For every chore that our child completes they get a rock.  They can also earn up to three rocks per day based on their attitude while cleaning: happy heart, fast feet, diligent hands.  We are working together to fill a jar, when the jar is full we get a fun family activity.  For these jobs their is a reward but it's aimed at building family togetherness.

Sweet Pea with the elephant she worked several weeks to save up for.  We were so proud of her!

Paid Jobs:

We adapted this system from some friends.  We loved what they were doing but needed to modify it for our family.  Tony and I don't believe a child should necessarily get paid to do regular household jobs, we also don't believe in allowances.  However, we do want our children to learn about budgeting, tithing, and wise spending.

Each Saturday we make a list of "above and beyond jobs" for the kids.  This includes everything from washing down walls to picking up sticks in the yard to cleaning out the van.  These are jobs that we do not require our children to do on a regular basis but may need done on that Saturday.  Each job is given an amount of money its worth.

Starting with the earliest riser (past 6 am) and going to the latest riser we give the kids a chance to choose jobs.  We do not require that they sign up for a job, but if they do its theirs.  "Pay day" is at 5 pm.  We do not hound, pester, or remind the kids of their jobs.  If they are not done by 5 pm then they get to do the job for free.

Side Note: Due to Little Man's disabilities we tend to steer him to certain jobs.  We also require him to do his job immediately after breakfast.  He does not have to sign up for a job.  However, he does not understand the consequences of not working, so we do not allow him a choice in the matter.

It works like a charm.  We get a ton of work done very quickly on Saturday mornings, our kids are learning some great life skills, and they are learning money management.  It's also fun to see their desire to buy something drop when the realize that it's their money they must spend.  The first three weekends we did this we had a couple of kiddos work for free.  On occasion a child will decide playing outside or watching a movie is more fun the working and time slips away.  However, MOST of the fight of work is gone.

How does your family handle chores?  Do you pay your child to work?  How do you handle money management?

Camping

Just a Note.  I want to do more life blogging.  We have family from all over the US that keeps up with the blog.  Also, everyday life blogs are some of my most popular.  So I would like to include everyday things that happen to us.  

You mean they had to do this EVERY time they wanted water???

This past weekend we headed about an hour away to camp.  Like many other people, we like to camp over Memorial Day weekend.  We've done it for the past few years.  Camping is so relaxing to us.

The first night we were there we noticed a family walking by.  I saw one black child, then another, and then a very white father.  In my mind my adoption/foster care feelers immediately went up.  The next morning their oldest began to become super friendly with our kids.

One thing led to another and a hike turned into a friendship.  After lots of fellowships with hikes, shared smores, and kids as playmates we walked away feeling incredibly blessed.  This family lives close to us, in fact we have several similar connections, not to hard in the type of circles and community we belong to.

Ok Mom.  I have my b-na-ku-ls.  Let's go camping!

This family greatly blessed us.  What a sweet connection and friendship.  The mom and I bonded over managing that thick curly hair, racial identity, homeschooling, and much more.  I kept telling Tony, it's such a God thing.  I'm so glad we exchanged information and we can stay in contact with this family.  It would be fun to camp with them again.  When I told Sweet Pea they lived in the same town that we went to church in she got incredibly excited.  Not that is an awesome friendship!

Getting Rea: Where My True Ministry Lies

We are wrapping up a very busy season of our lives.  We have a few odds and ends to tie up.  Some bags to put away.  Things to gather into a box to give to those who need them.  However, the bulk of the work is done.  Our time to close out this chapter in our lives as the leaders of Awana has come.

For those of you who know us well, you know we have a heart beat for Awana.  We have been in it since we were in Cubbies (Preschool).  For me I am a Citation Award winner (10 books in 10 years, over a thousand verses memorized in since Cubbies).  We have a legacy of parents with a heart beat for Awana.  And we have been involved in almost every aspect of it from Quizzing to AwanaGames to the missionaries Ministry Board.

However, we have come to a place in our lives where God has given  us the direction and freedom to step out of the role of leading this ministry.  (Side Note:  This does not mean we won't be back in future years to help fulfill needed roles, we are just not running the program at our church.)  At first the decision was easy and freeing.  God gave us great peace about the decision.  As our time went though, my heart began to hurt. 

See, we have already pulled out of almost every single ministry we were in, many of which we dearly loved, because our family need us to pull back.  We needed to be able to focus on our family.  But it wasn't enough.  Our kids were still not making the progress they should.  We were still running ridiculously crazy schedules and trying to fit all of our responsibility for this program in as well. The decision seems pretty clear cut, family comes first.

However, our church, like most churches, desperately needs people to step up and help serve.  We know that well, as Tony was the one in charge of recruiting for this ministry.  It tugs deep into my heart and I began to question...."God how will I teach my children to serve when I am not?  How will they find out the imporatnce of ministry when I am not in none?  I was raised that when there is a need to help in the church, you do.  How will I teach my kids that?"

God's answer was incredibly clear.  "Your number one ministry is NOT Awana and NOT in the church.  Your ministry is four little people who sit at your feet every day.  Your ministry is a husband who needs your attention.  Your ministry is the neighbor you only see when you are waving to them from your van, but now you need to invest in.  Your ministry is your heart focused on Me.  Your ministry, the one that I have put as number one in your life, is getting pushed aside.  Yes, these other things have value and importance but they are not the most important."

So, as sad as it is to leave this amazing ministry behind, Tony and I have already seen God bless that decision.  We've already seen some big answers to pray in our kids lives.  God sent an amazing man to take over Tony's position.  And we have felt a tremendous amount of love and support with this decision.  Not one person has pressured us to stay or called our decision wrong.  It's going to be hard at times next year to drop my kids off every week and turn and walk out the church doors.  However, I know we will reap huge benefits from the time we now have available.

Seeing the Child Through the Disabilty

Little Man's ASD is only one part of who he is.  It affects how he relates to everything in his life but it doesn't not make up his entire person.  Sometimes it can be hard for people to see the child through the disability.  So I would like to take you on a journey of my son and who he is.

He is sweet.  He's got this deep down sweetness that comes out in his giggle, his big dimpled smile, the way he grabs your hand or leans against you leg.

He desires to be "normal".  He doesn't want to be in a world of his own, excluded from others.  He needs help but he wants to have friendships.  He wants to play sports.

He loves his Grandpa and Papa.  The other day he told me, "Member mommy, I live with Dampa.  Ok.  Member?"  They are his favorites.

All boy.  He is 100% boy.  He loves Thomas, Lightening McQueen, Batman, and Spider Man.  He likes to wrestle and crash into furniture.  He loves to be outside and run in circles.  His favorite color is green!

He loves pizza, carrot sticks, and candy (my goodness does he like candy!)

He wants to grow up to be just like Daddy!  He loves Daddy's buttons on his shirts and likes to dress like him.  He is obsessed with Daddy working on the house and is so proud of himself when he gets to be a helper.

He is Momma's Little Man.  "I be with you, Mommy!"  Run to hug me when I pick him up from school screaming, "MOMMMY!"  And when Daddy says to hold an adults hand, he always picks mine.  I am definitely his favorite big person.

There is so much of him that is just like any other little boy.  Adventure and fun!  Climbing and rough housing.  The paper he brought home from school says that when he is 100 he is going to go to work, just like Daddy.  When Sweet Pea declared Mommy the "Prince" he came up and declared that, "Mommy no be prince.  You a girl!  I be the Prince!"

Don't discount who he is as a whole.  He will shock you!