Getting Real: Standing At a Cross Roads.

Our first morning as a family of six.

Do you ever have those moments where you stand at a cross roads? A moment that changes what everything from here on out will be like? Holding your child for the first time, moving across the country for a new job, or walking across the stage for graduation. I feel like we are standing at one of those moments right now.

Recently, we made a decision that brought both sadness and relief in one fell swoop. We choose to surrender our Foster Care License. This means, that by our own free will we choose to give up the license that allows us to be foster parents. The license we took nine weeks of classes for. The license we did physical, background checks, and piles of paperwork for. The license that brought four children through our doors, three forever. 

So much of me feels like we have abandoned a community that we have come to deeply love and appreciate. Foster parents are some of the most incredible people I know.  I feel like we've turned our back on a community of children that desperately need people to love them. I feel like we are "giving up". 

I do know though that our hearts are still in the foster care world. We have been forever affected and changed by the last three plus years. These kids need a voice.  People need to hear their stories.  These parents need support and love. And there needs to be more done to keep these families together before it ever escalates to foster care. Once they reach that point it is hard for families to go back

We hope that God will allow us to speak up and speak out for these kids, these families. We hope God will allow us to come along beside them before it's too late. We hope that our time in foster care is not over, just different. What that looks like? We really don't know. Tony recently told a friend, "I feel like we are standing at a cross roads. We know we have to get somewhere. We know we have a deadline. We just don't know where we are going or how to get there." 

For now we wait. I've seen over and over and over again that the wait is hard, the wait is tiring. However, God always works in the wait. He always prepares, guides, and teaches. As much as I dislike the wait, it's what we need for what He has prepared on the other side.

Are we done having children, our family is "complete"? We don't know, we are open to adoption in the future. Will we foster again some day? Maybe, but we know it will be a long enough wait that it's not worth keeping out license open. This decision is NOT because our hands are "full".  This is because it is what is best for our family overall.

Hard Places and Feelings: Control

What it looks like?

Control doesn't seem like a "feeling" but I feel it is.  The need to be in control seeps into many different facets of our children's lives.  It stems from living a life where bad things happened that they couldn't control.  I find that for my kids I can link bossiness, defiance, lying/cheating, and disrespect (this may be for people or things) to the need to control.  I've heard other parents talk about food and cleanliness as issues that come with control.

Let me give you examples of how this can manifest itself in each behavior and explain how control takes over the issue:

Bossiness: One of my kiddos is extra bossy, to the point of controlling. It's not just a child trying to tell their siblings what to do.  It is a need to be in control of their siblings (or of the parents-if allowed). It stems from a lack of trust in former caregivers.  These kids are often left in charge of younger siblings or themselves so they tend to develope "take charge" personalities to the point of being unhealthy.  Within my own children's birth sibling relationships (and I've heard other parents say the same thing) we often see one child dominate another to point of overstepping a parents authority.

Defiance: A parent's request to have a child complete a certian task can be immediately met with an "I don't think so" attitude from the child.  It's almost a knee jerk reaction for the child.  They so need to be in control that their defences are constantly up.

Lying/Cheating:  This is a behavior in and of it's self but a need to control every aspect of their world can send a child down a very bad path.  For one of my kiddos they need to be so in control of the outcome of a game that they must cheat to win.  It's gotten to the point that this child's grandparents don't even enjoy playing games with them. 

Disrespect:  This can be shown in how they treat others (typically through the things listed above).  However, we also see it in how they treat their things.  Some parents see a child who holds on to their things way to tightly as a need to control.  My children show a lack of respect for things.  It's easier to pretend you don't care about something because it won't hurt as bad when you loose it.

How to uncover control?

For us, this is pretty simple to do in our children.  It's taking typical kid behavior (like bossiness) to the extreme as a protection measure.

How does this relate to me?

Everybody has some level for a need to control their lives.  Nobody likes to feel out of control.  As a parent this means that I need to figure out how to share control with my children.  That can be very hard to do.  For me, it has been a learning curve.  I always thought that if I told my child to do something, they had better do it.  I'm learning the my children need two things: 1. LOTS of choices in daily life, 2. The ability to compromise.

Choices.  My kids do so much better with choices.  I've learned through Karyn Purvis that when a child is given choices it needs to be two positive choices that you are ok living with.  In other words a choice between obeying or getting a consequecing is NOT a good choice.  We have found we can give our kids lots of choices in daily life: a blue shirt or orange, cereal or toast, milk or water, an apple or an orange.  The more choices we give the more our kids feel in control of their lives.

Compromises.  This was a hard parenting change we made (again Karyn Purvis) but one of the best to affect behavior.  Our kids know that if they don't like a choice they can ask for a compromise if they do it with respect.  Sometimes we say no but we try to compromise when we can.  (An example: I ask a child to put down a toy and come to dinner.  A compromise they could ask for...or I could offer if we see a resistance to obeying...is that they can play for three more minutes.  After three minutes they must get up with a good attitude, put them toy away, and come to dinner.)

When we learn to let go of our control in little areas and let our children have a bit of control, our children learn to share control in bigger areas.  They learn to trust us with those items and the battle grounds become fewer.

Memories from Hard Places

I will never forget that moment.  It was one of those, stick in your mind, never let go of moments.  I was in the sixth grade, finishing up my Saturday morning paper route delivery.  I was at the very end of my route when I suddenly smelled it----bacon. The rich wonderful smell of bacon cooking.  Suddenly I was transported back to my grandparents house.  The early morning hours of my grandmother, a long time farm wife, cooking bacon at the stove.  Her back to me as I hear the creak of the brown chairs.  That sound, that smell, those chairs.  They never leave my memory.  In an instant I am suddenly remember every creak, the feel of the ramp as we ran around on barefeet. The way the swing swung higher with a cousin on each side. The squeak and them slam as someone opened the back door.  The smell of every room.  The feel as if on treasure hunt in the rarely slept in upstairs.  The mustiness of the basement.  The mystery of the laundry room that I never stepped foot in.  Grandpa's woodworking area, the shag green carpet in his office, watching him put more wood in the wood heated furnace. 

One sniff of bacon brought every sight and sound of that glorious place back.  In an instant it was all transformed.

Memories are powerful.  Little things in our senses like a simple sound or a simple sound can send us hurtling back.  For many of us it's to good memories and wonderful moments.  They make us smile and we soak up the warm feelings for a split second.

For kids from hard places simple things can send them back into a horrible past and horrible situation.  Suddenly they leave their peaceful setting and are thrown into chaos.  The item that sends them hurtling back can be so little and so unexplainable. 

For parents of these kids this can be nightmarish.  We have no clue what set them off or why.  Its completely unpredictable.  One minute or one day they are fine and the next their world is coming to pieces, and in turn so is ours.  Memories can be glorious and terrifying.  Unfortunately for our children who don't process or communicate well it often leaves them in their own world, afraid and unsure of how to cope.

If you have not seen this short movie--Removed-- you must!  It is about 12 minutes long.  It is absoultely the best done vidoe to describe these kids lives.  It's completely accurate.  Each child's story is different, but the common threads are so well displayed in this vidoe.  I struggle to watch it because I struggle not to cry through it.  PLEASE (I beg, plead, demand--if you'll let me) watch this video.  At the end the little girl recieves a dress.  It's a MUST watch moment.

"Dear Friend": From a Foster Mom's Heart

"Dear Friend" was originally posted on April 3, 2013. 

Dear Friend,

So you got to see my child in all of her glory today.  I know it's not the side of herself she usually lets you see, but it is a reality of everyday life for her.  Like every human out there, she has good moments and bad moments, pleasant moments and moments we would like to never remember again.

I just wanted to let you know that my child is not a heathen, hellan, devil child, or rotten brat.  Rather she is a deeply hurt little girl whose emotions bubble over.  She has been through things you couldn't even imagine, let alone begin to process.

My little girl is three.  She isn't always good at saying that she feels mad or sad, but hey, neither am I.  She is trying to cope with the topsy turvy world she faces the best her little three year old self knows how.

Many times you see a put together, sweet, smiling, little angel of a child.  I hate to tell you, but most days that is not the heart of the little girl that stands before you.  Rather there is a deep sadness and confussion in this child.

But today was different. Today she chose to let her gaurd down and allow her emotions to break free.  She broke out of her fake world for just a little bit to show you some of her heart.  I know it was hard for you to see her that way, but please refrain from passing judgement on her.

Until you have stood in her shoes you will never understand the depth of pain she has experienced.  Those shoes are so much smaller then yours or mine, but they have walked more miles of hurt then either of us cares to even imagine.

So next time you see my child screaming in the corner, banging on a window, take some time to stop.  Get down on her level, look in her eyes.  Think for just a minute what her world is like.  And before you offer up unkind and unhelpful words, see if you can see beyond the fit and into her heart.

Love,
A Foster Momma

Hard Places and Feelings: Anger

 
What anger looks like?

Anger. It is the number one emotion my kids show.  It is often shown to cover up feelings of sadness or disappointment. Anger means that someone else is at fault.  It tends to be an "easy" feeling to feel.  It often looks just like you think it would: temper tantrums, screaming, hitting.  At times anger can go all the way to extreme of raging.

Anger can be a dangerous feeling, it allows the child to get out of control and often justifies bad behavior.  For kids from hard places anger is often misdirected.  For my kiddos anger at a birth parent is often placed on us, the adoptive parents.  And of the two of us, mom gets the brunt of most of the anger.  Mothers are suppose to be loving and nurturing and when a mother fails at  task its devastating.  Being angry at the person who deserves it is usually too hard for these kiddos to handle.  Instead they find the easy target--the foster or adoptive mother. 

How to uncover anger?

Anger is easy to spot because it has such a bold outward appearance.  However, we have found that pointing out to our kiddos that they seem angry goes a long way in easing the feeling.  We often tell our kids, "I see your eyebrows are furrowed and your fists are clenched.  You seem angry.  Let's talk about that."  When a kiddo has their feeling recognized and acknowledge they are better able to handle it appropriately.  It also helps them to pause and think, "Oh yeah, I AM feeling angry."

How does this relate to me?

-sigh-

Unfortunately, like my kids, this is my go-to feeling.  I often find my anger bubbling over and my voice rising in frustration.  For me, anger tends to be a generational problem.  I've seen this in myself and in all of my kiddos (including Sweet Pea).  While I am working with my kiddos on their feelings, I am also acknowledging my own need to work on anger. 

I have learned to put a few strategies into place to help.  First, I wear a bracelet on my arm.  It reminds me to take a deep breathe and pray for my feelings and my kiddos feelings.  Second, when I feel my frustration rising I try to sit back and ask myself two things: 1. What is truly causing my frustration? and 2. Is it justified?.  Third, I try to whisper instead of yell.  It's amazing how a whisper can calm me and make my child's ears perk up. 

Even with all these strategies I am still a work in progress.  I do a lot of apologizing and explaining why I was angry to my kids.  When  I can show them healthy ways of fixing the mistakes anger makes, it helps them to better cope with the feelings themselves.

Read More:

SADNESS

Getting Real: The Crushing Reality of Lost Dreams

This blog post was written somewhere in the Spring of 2013 and saved for a more appropriate time.  We knew that chances where we would be allowed to adopt the kids.  However, in the midst of weekly visits and the hope of court our kids hearts where not geared toward adoption.

Yesterday I sat in a court room and heard the word "termination" spoken.  We were given a 3 month court date meaning that they are moving towards that.  I watched as BioMom ran her hands through her hair, exasperated.

I came home that night and had my little boy look at me with hope filled eyes and ask, "Did the judge say I could go home?"

"No buddy.  He didn't.  It's not safe at home yet."

Adoption, it's born out of such pain and heartache.  And yet I sit here filled with excitement.  It's like a teeter-totter of emotions.

God has shown us time and time again that these kids where suppose to be in our home.  He reaffirms it in big ways constantly.  I've given up with the "Are you sure God?" because I know he is.  And it excites me that there is a possibility that they will be forever MINE.  It's an amazing feeling.  It's blessing and gift I don't deserve.

However, in that seat sat a mom that deeply loves her children.  She has a desire to be a good mom to them but doesn't have the ability to provide them the home they deserve.  It's heartbreaking.  But I'm also angry at her.  Why didn't she fight for her kids?

And at my kitchen table sits a little boy who would go back to a world that isn't safe in order to be with his parents.  A little boy that longs to go "home".  And some day I'm going to have to look him in those hope filled eyes and crush his dream.

Now, almost two years later and adoption complete I would love to say my children's hearts are completely "sold out" to adoption.  While my children love that they are adopted and have accepted us as parents there is still a part of them that wishes they could go home.  Adoption does not replace desire.

Parenting: Catch Phrases

It seems like parenting has a lot of split second decisions to it.  We are constantly reading our kids behavior to determine is it irresponsible, based on another emotion, or definant or is this their true need or is something else really affecting it. Then there are those times that your kid completely stumps you.

Tony and I have discovered we are very emotional parents.  We tend to reacted with emotions rather then a level head.  This can create a lot of unfairness and disciplines that do not fit the situations. In order to help with this we have learned that we love go-to phrases in our parenting.  These are lines that we can always come back to in helping us with our parenting choices.  Here are a few of our favorites:

Are you asking or are you telling? I have found that sometimes my kids can get very demanding, expecting me to do something.  This typically comes off of very disrespectful.  This simple question either quickly changes to tone to respect or allows a teaching moment of, "If you are telling the answer will always be no. However, you could try that again with asking words."  (Karyn Purvis, Empowered to Connect)

We need to try that agian with respect. As my kids get older I find their tones get a bit more on the disrespect side.  What they are saying is not always bad, but how they are saying it is not ok.  This allows a quick check for them with out completely shutting them off. (Karyn Purvis, Empowered to Connect)

Listen and Obey! This is a quick phrase I can give to my kids.  It serves as a warning and I believe ques their brain (which they need at times).  It also allows Tony and I to know, that if they chose to ignore words after this is given then we are dealing with a defiance issue and not a brain issue. (Karyn Purvis, Empowered to Connect)

Oh my. What a sad choice.  What are you going to do about that? When I discovered that they took markers and drew all over the wall or got into something on the counter that was off limits this allows me to keep my frustration level even.  It also allows them to be both responsible and in control of the mess they've made.  I'm amazed at how much better their attitude is about the problem when I put the ball in their court rather then demand that they fix it (side note: I do expect them to fix the problem).  (Love and Logic)

Asked and Answered. There was a great article that was floating around social media sometime this past year.  When a child asks for something, I give them an answer (side note: I need to own my answer and be careful about my "no's".  This is something very hard for me.) If them come up with a "but mom...." I simply say "asked and answered." I then stick with it.  Sometimes my kids will ask for a compromise (another learning curb for myself) and I try hard to accommodate. 

Do (or did) you have any catch phrases as a parent that you loved?  Did you feel it helped to minimize frustration and increase cooperation?

Hard Places and Feelings: Sadness

I'm going to start a new series entitled Hard Places and Feelings.  Every other Thursday I will look at a different feeling or struggle that kids from Hard Places face.  I recently have been bombarded with how "normal" our "unnormal" has become.  I make a matter of fact statement about a tough feeling our kiddo is experiencing and the reply is shock.  However, I've also become very aware that the way I deal with my feelings and emotions is not always much better then the way my kids do.  However, my kids are feeling their feelings more often, more severely, and much quicker then I am. 

What does sadness look like?

Sadness is a feeling that kids from hard places feel a lot.  It is probably my kids number 1 feeling.  However, it is often the last feeling they will show.  They hate the feeling of sadness.  It overwhelms them and they suddenly feel out of control.  Control is something kids from hard places desperately need to feel.  There were too many things in their lives they couldn't control.  (Control itself is really a topic for another day).

Instead of sadness we see so many other feelings: disobedience, anger, control, extreme hyberness, goofiness.  Sometimes these emotions come out at really odd times and the feelings seem to be really inappropriate (ie laughing when someone gets hurt).  Many times other emotions are used to mask sadness and often looks nothing like sadness.

How do we uncover sadness?

We have found that it takes us a long time to get to the root of our kiddo's feelings when sadness is involved.  Typically they revert back to the feeling they are showing and want to feel rather then the feeling they are actually feeling.  When a person feels another feeling such as anger, it is typically someone elses problem to deal with (ie the person and thing they are angry at).  However, when a person feels sadness that is problem they must deal with inside their own hearts.  It takes a lot of more work to deal with sadness.  

After 2 1/2 years with our kids we are getting much better at knowing when they are truely sad and not truely angry.  But it is still a lot of work.  Sometimes we are able to say, "you say your angry but what your telling me sounds very sad."  It is a huge victory when our kids are able to get directly to "I feel sad."  Sometimes it takes days and weeks to get to the root, other times it doesn't happen at all.  No matter how long it takes, we typically don't see an improvement in behavior until the true emotion is reached.

How does this relate to me?

I have discovered that as an adult, sad is still hard to feel.  It's gut wrenching.  Recently, something tragic happened in our extended family, stop you in your tracks and change your whole life, tragic.  As Tony walked out of the house to be with family members and I put the kids in front of a movie I chose to do one thing--housework.  I needed, at least temporarily, to not focus on sad.  I felt like if I did the emotion would sweep me over and carry me away.  

Our kids need to see us sad.  They need to see us cry.  They need to hear why we're sad.  They need to see us holding each other or journaling when we feel this way in order to model healthy coping skills.  They need to hear, "I felt so sad when my flowers died because they weren't watered enough."  And if we mask our feelings, they need to see us come back and explain to them what really happened ("I acted really angry when I saw you broke my plate and I yelled at you.  Really I was sad because that was my favorite plate.")  As we show our kids that sad can be felt in a good way they will feel more safe to feel it themselves.

Supporting Foster/Adoptive Families: Holiday Edition

Trees are being put up, presents wrapped, Christmas music is blarring everywhere.  It's a time to be joyous.  However, in many foster and adoptive Homes things are not feeling very joyful right now.  There are more meltdowns and fits, behavior at school it worse, parents and kids are both tired. 

This is a hard time for kids from hard places.  They miss their birth families and wish they could be with them.  They may not understand the traditions in their new home or they miss old traditions.  They may have certain expectations that get in the way of enjoying themselves.  They may be overwhelmed by the concerts, the people, and the hustle and bustle.

If you are looking to support a foster or adoptive family this is a great time of year to do it.  Here are a few practical ways that you could consider in helping support a foster/adoptive family this Christmas. 

Wrap Gifts:  An increase in children often means an increase in gifts.  Wrapping all of that can be an overwhelming task for many parents.  Stop by their house, pick up a load of toys, and bring them back wrapped a few hours later.

Shopping/Babysitting: Some families need time to get out of the house and finish Christmas shopping without their kids.  Even an hour at the mall play place could be a huge blessing.  Others know exactly what they need and would rather not add the tension by having a babysitter come in.  However, someone getting it for them while they are already at the store is a huge blessing.

A Meal: On top of many appointments a family has each week they are now dealing with they also have shopping to do, family get togethers, Christmas programs and more.  A meal would be a welcome relief in their day.

Gift Cards: Extra gas, more nights out, more presents to buy.  A gift card to take the finicial burden off of all of that would be a blessing to many families.

Taking Over the School: Is one (or more) of the kiddos in charge of something like home baked goods or a game for a school party.  Maybe you could take over that item and relieve the stress for the parents.

Sometimes Christmas turns into survival mode for many of these families, rather then a time to celebrate.  We have been very blessed to have others support us in many of the ways above and know first hand the stress it can relieve. If you are a foster or adoptive family what are ways people have supported you this year?  If you are a support family, how have you supported a foster/adoptive family in the past?

Concerning Foster Care: 5 Tips for Relative Attachment

Attachment is not something I've talked about much on this blog.  But if you are a foster or adoptive parent I'm sure you will not be surprised to hear that attachment issues are something we struggle with every single day.  Thankfully things have gotten much better-especially in the last six months. For those who do not understand what attachment is then watch this video by Karyn Purvis.  Also, check out some other amazing resources from Empowered to Connect.

Please Note: We are BLESSED to have the family members we have.  They have been accepting, caring, and supportive.  We know many, many families that enter their foster care journey with family members that greatly oppose them, others have opposition grown as things progress.  We are so fortunate that this has NOT been the case for us.

Attachment is a two way street.  In foster care or adopting it is obvious that your child struggles with their relationship with you.  However, for me, it was a harsh and humbling reality to realize that I struggled with a relationship with my child.  I remember the day it dawned on me that if I struggled with this then of course our family members would struggle with this.  I have a feeling that with how great our family members are (see above note), if I saw them struggling to attach to our children then there are a lot of grandparents and aunts and uncles who are in the same boat.

If you are a relative of a foster or adopted child and you are struggling with your attachment to them, please note that you are not alone.  The parent raising that child is having an extremely hard time also.  That child themselves is struggling to relate to you.  There are other grandparents and aunts and uncles who find themselves in the same situation.  Reach out.  Research.  And be willing to work at it.  It will be a blessing to these kids parents to see you try.  Here are five things you can do to strengthen your relationship with that child.

1. Find a hobby or interest of the child's and invest in it.
Does this kiddo like trains?  Take him to your local train station.  Does this child enjoy books?  Make sure you have a few when the visit your home.  Do they love to build with legos?  Sit down and build a set with them.  15 minutes of undivided attention can do wonders in helping you relate to this child.

2. Be interested in the child's life.
Know what grade they are in, find out their favorite and hardest subject.  Attend their t-ball games or call them after one to see how they did.  Understand the diagnosis they've been given and what that may look like in that child (but also know that they are more then a diagnosis).  If they are sick send them a get well card.

3. Understand why the child's parents are disciplining the way they are.
If you are a grandparent (or any relative) please know that your child is not going to discipline this child the way you disciplined them.  You may not like the way the discipline, you may not agree with it.  Before you start to tell them what they should do, find out why they are doing what they are doing.  The lack of eye contact probably isn't a respect issue, but a trust and fear issue.  That tantrum probably doesn't mean the child is a brat, but most likely stems from sadness (masking as anger) or fear.  And spanking a child probably isn't going to correct the problem.  Instead it will probably make the fear and distrust grow deeper.

4. Pray for that child. 
Ask the child's parent for specific prayer request for both the child AND for their birth family.  I find that when I pray for a changed heart in my child, my heart is most affected.  If you want to grow closer to a child become their personal prayer warrior.

5. Fake it till you make it.
Hearing this from an adoptive parent has given me permission to not always be the perfect mom.  Sometimes I don't want to love my child.  Sometimes it just seemed to hard.  However, if I can put on a smile and hug them even when I didn't want to I slowly feel the walls in my heart break down.  You may struggle to see them like the other children, born into your family.  Do NOT let them know that.  Fake the affection.  Fake the interest in their activities.  Choose to treat them equally, even when you don't feel like it.  When you couple that with prayer your love and attachment for that child will grow as the walls break down.

Concerning Foster Care: Ethnecity

If you are going into Foster Care you have to answer many questions regarding the types of children you are willing to take.  Everything from their age and gender to their race and amount of needs.  A child's race or ethecity seemed like an easy question to answer.  However, looking back I realize how naive I was.  My heart and reality were not the same age.  I'm not saying we made the wrong decision when we said yes to four bi-racial children, we didn't.  I do, however, wish I had been a little more aware of my world.

If you are trying to answer the question of what ethenicity of a child is a good fit for your home here are some questions to think over.

What will that child's world of color be like when the enter your home? 
If they are going to school will it be mainly white children?  Are their children of other races at the school, if so which ones?  What will their Sunday School class or dance class or play group look like?  Will they be the only hispanic or black child in that setting?

Can you handle their hair needs?
If you bring a child of another ethnicity into your home, can you provide them with the proper hair care?  When Little Man came into our home we were not allowed to cut his hair (rights the parents hold on to).  We had a little boy with long eye lashes and big brown eyes and hair three times as long as his twin sisters.  I watched a few hours of you-tube videos to figure out how to corn row his hair.  Are you going to be able to afford the products that go in their hair?  Do you have access to them?  I've discovered how skimpy our local stores are with hair care products are for our children.  

What will the neighbors think?
I knew the town we were bringing the kids into was not very racially diverse but did have some diversity.  However, I was completely caught off guard when someone called to tell me that an associate of theirs had driven by our house and wanted to know what certain children where in our yard.  The question included a word that started with "n" and made me sick to my stomach.  We have a certain neighbor that talked to us at least once weekly for the first year we lived here and has talked to us twice in the two years since. (We have been in Foster Care for a bit over two years).

How will people of their own race feel?
Some of the harshest looks we've received have been from the black community.  Some will be incredibly supportive, others will feel like their children are being snatched away.  

What does your extended family think?
Will these children boot you out of family holidays?  While people want to know about the ______ (insert some politically incorrect way of referring to you child) you are caring for and ask you right in front of you?  Being a foster child tends to exclude these kids in the first place, they don't need their race stacked against them also.

Can you provide them with racial similar role models?
This is an area we lack in.  I see it affecting Baby Girl the most, but I think it will have an impact on Big Brother also.  Baby Girl has a lot of identity questions and problems.  I will never forget the day we walked by a woman in a restaurant and she loudly pointed out that they also had brown skin.


These questions are just a tip of the iceberg when it comes to the decision about whether to bring a child of a different race into your home.  Many other families are doing it, some with much success others with none, seek one out and chat with them.  If you don't know of a family find a blog online about a trans-racial family. 

Bottom Line:  These children are precious and wonderful.  I love discovering more about their race.  I love trying to figure out how to keep true to their ethnic history (such as letting Baby Girls hair go nautrual instead of braided).  However, it is WAY more difficult then I ever imagined it could be.

Getting Real: The Hero Mentality of Foster Care Pt. 2

If you haven't gotten a chance to read part of of the Hero Mentality, please do so!  It talks about why viewing foster parents is dangerous for the children those parents are caring for.

Hero's.

In part of the newest Batman, in order for the common good and protection of all the image of Batman must be destroyed.  His reputation is ripped to shreds.  Hero's tend to fall and when they do, they fall far.

I rarely go a week with out one of the following statements (or something similar) said to me: "I couldn't do what you are doing."  "Thank you for doing what you do for these kids." "These kids couldn't ask for  better home."  People are trying to be encouraging and supportive.  I completely understand that, and I am thankful for the desire to support and encourage.

However, the problem is--I am human.  I make so many mistakes as a foster parent.  I'm not saying that to be modest.  I used to think I was a good momma.  I used to think I was a good wife.  I used to think I was good at doing ministry outside my home.  NOW...I have questioned everything I know about myself.  (And in many ways that's been good because I've been able to see God step into places where I once thought myself to be good enough.)

Holding parents to a Hero Mentality does two things:

It places the foster parent on a pedestal. The higher it goes, the bigger the fall when that parent messes up.  And mess up they will.  Recently a foster mom was convicted of shaking her foster baby.  It was unjustified, it wasn't right, it's not excusable.  But, what blew me away was how judgmental people are.  I heard statement after statement of "they placed children into her home to be protected and she just went and hurt them"  Again, I'm not saying that she is justified.  However, I have such sorrow for her.  What drove her to that point? Could more training have helped? How low had the saddness and loniless and pain of being a foster parent taken her?

Second, it makes foster parenting seem impossible to accomplish. If someone views a foster parent as extraordinary then they aren't even going to consider that role for themselves.  There is a huge need for more foster parents.  It doesn't take a nursing degree, a master's in special education, an extraordiary gift, or a magical power.  It simple takes someone who is willing to say no to some of their own desires and yes to a child in need of love and saftey.  That doesn't make it easy or fun, but it also isn't impossible.

I don't want to be viewed as a hero.  It hurts my kids, it hurts me, it hurts foster care.  I think if we took the time to think of foster parents as people just like us we would see more people desire to become one and we would see more support given to those who are already doing it.   

Have you ever felt like you were placed on a pedestal you didn't want to be on?  Have you ever fallen from someones graces for being less then perfect?

Getting Real: Worn

I woke up this morning tired, wishing I had read that alarm clock wrong.  After a relaxing Spring Break and fabulous Sunday with Daddy and some beautiful spring weather, the week had started out horrible.  We were going through life normally till I made a dreaded, torturous request: fold your laundry and put it away. 

This request was not new and the expectations were not high.  Simply make an attempt to "fold" your clothing and get it in the right draw.  We do it about once a week for the last 2 months.  However, I had not one but TWO children decide that this was NOT going to happen.  24 hours later one of those children finally finished.  The other.....zero progress (besides the socks and undies that I had dealt with).  In fact they had spent much of that time yelling, hitting, and out right defying. 

I was past my limit.  The night before had proved that.  After joining in a screaming match with this child I grabbed the chips Tony had bought for himself at the store and sat on the floor bawling  The child went to bed early, with no more progress made. 

After a long morning I was thankful to leave three of the kiddos behind at school and get time to breathe.  I pulled into the driveway to hear Worn by Tenth Avenue North.  This song has been the cry of my heart for this child since Christmas 2012.  I can't heal their broken and hurting heart.  I can't fix them, as much as I want to.  I can't make they accept, love, let go.  I can't replace the rejection.

But I serve a God who can.  I serve God!  And I rest in that.  Because their is nothing else I can rest in.  And as I sat trying to hold back tears for Sweet Pea's sake, I soaked in those words again, crying out for this child, for our relationship.  The God who redeems, who heals, who answers prayer, loves this child more then I ever could.

    My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Getting Real: Seeking Help Part 2

You can read part 1 about our journey into the world of counseling here.

We as a family have seen a total of four different Counselors and three Therapist on a regular basis.*  We have had four specialty doctors, one of whom is regularly active in our kids lives.  We have had numerous other therapists and specialist in and out of our lives to help us.  One of our kids have been "specialized" with in the foster care system, which means, among other things, we see a caseworker once a week and a nurse once a month.

*Side Note: I say counselors for those who are helping our family emotionally and therapist for those who are helping our children physically.  That is the easiest way for us to distinguish it in our home.

All of that can be exhausting.  In and out of waiting room with 1 to 3 children to entertain.  Packed lunches and snacks.  Dealing with upset kids because I forgot the water bottles again.  Trying to communicate to each and every one of them what they need to know about that child.  Trying to remember what I have and have not told our caseworker and what paper work I still need to send her.

It gets lonely.  It gets tiring.  It's draining.  There is a lot of guilt associated with it.  From the forgotten water-bottles to lack of implementing a method I should have implemented this week to putting off the one on one counseling session so long that the Counselor doesn't even talk about it any more.

However, though all this I've found this surprising sweetness. Those moments when I get to stand beside another Momma as she talks about her child and the struggle they may be having. 

Oh those are so sweet.  To find a companion. For a brief moment to "get it" with her.  I might not know what goes into her every day but I do know its a great deal.  I know that she feels like she is holding on to her finger tips, fighting with every ounce of her strength for her child.  She has become a mini expert in crisis management, sensory input, speech skills.  And for a small amount of time we both get to see a life with no judgement of how we should be doing it, but rather with an unspoken word encouragement and support.

Getting Here: My Journey to Now

You can read the beginning of this story last Monday.

From there God laid a path of adoption before me.  I was Cubbie Director in an Awana program that was 80% to 90% unchurched-almost all low-income families. I saw the hurt.  Working with those kids led me to want to work with kids.  I knew I wanted to work with low income, hurting families.  However, I wasn't sure how.

My youth group leader in high school was a preschool teacher.  She wisely told me that Children's Ministry and Preschool Teacher was not where God was calling me.  Laura introduced me to FCS, Family and Consumer Sciences.

Home Ec?  What?  Actually its so MUCH more then that.  There is a component to FCS that is Human Development and Family Relationships.  One of the best schools for this major was Illinois State University.

I entered ISU with a desire to adopt and a plan to work with hurting kids and families.  But God wanted to teach me more.  He led me to a church where the Youth Director had started just a year or two before.  He was married to an amazing woman who was passionate about orphans.  What I didn't realize was the year I arrived God was stiring in her heart a desire to start an Orphan Care Ministry.

Almost two years after arriving at that church I approached her about joining her team.  This woman has been amazing and encouraging friend.  I am so thankful for her.  She has educated me, pushed me, and helped me to learn when to hold back.  Her passion encourages mine, and her wisdom helps me stay grounded.

All of this led to Tony and I saying yes to two precious girls.  God would shut the door on those amazing children, but use it to draw my heart to where it is now.    It is amazing to see where God put each piece of the puzzle into place.  Without taking me through the hoops, I don't think I would be were I am now.

Getting Real: Derailed

de·rail  (d-rl)intr. & tr.v. de·railed, de·rail·ing, de·rails

     1. To run or cause to run off the rails.

So many times in this journey of foster care I have watched as our family gets derailed.  We think things are going well, we are meshing as a family, starting to enjoy life.  Then suddenly we derail.

I've got this parenting thing down.  We are having a good day.  I look up to see my child has broken that same boundary, again.  And my patience is done.

Derailed.

Sweet Pea is playing and laughing with her siblings.  Suddenly, she crawls into my lap and asks when they are going to go back "home".

Derailed.

One of my kiddos is eating lunch.  Suddenly, they turn and smack their sibling.  They declare they don't like living here.  They want their birth mom.

Derailed

Little Man's communication is up, he's having a great morning.  Then he goes to school and his teacher is unexpectedly gone.  Now he can't handle life.  Melt downs begin.

Derailed.

Tony goes through each day trying to hold it together through full time work and school.  Then I call him to let him know that the kids broke something new.  More of his precious time will be taken up by fixing that toilet for the third time.

Derailed.

One of my kiddos is not happy that they got "caught" being mean to a sibling.  They wait until I'm pumping gas then turn and pull that siblings hat off their head.  Melt downs and fights ensue.

Derailed.

I think I've gotten a good parenting style down.  But Tony hasn't read the book like I have.

Derailed.

I've learned I have two choices when life derails.  I can handle this situation on my own terms, letting it overwhelm me, giving harsh responses.  Or I can handle it on God's terms with Grace and compassion.

Unfortunately, most of time I try to handle it on my own.  How thankful I am that God handles me on his terms and not my own.

Getting Here: My Journey to Now

I've shared how we started foster care.  How God drew my very opposed heart to this point.  But I was sold on God's plan to care for orphans way before that.  Adoption was a part of the everyday conversation when we got married.

God began drawing my heart to adoption in high school.  I went on a missions trip to Brazil with Awana.  In my training six months before, other teams began talking about going to orphanages in India.  My heart began to stir.  When I asked my mom if they would adopt a child from another country if I fell in love with an orphan, I was shocked that with six kids she said, "yes".  That "yes" showed me things like adoption were real, not just dreams.

On my team was Erinn, an on fire for the Lord, spunky, fun, teenager.  There was something unique about Erinn.  Her family was currently waiting to bring home two precious treasures from Africa.  Those kids' picture captured my heart.

I may have asked a few lot of questions about adoption those two weeks.  I may have slightly really annoyed Erinn.  However, she answered every single question.  I'm not even sure if she remembers that.  But God used her at a strategic time in my life to capture my heart for His future.  Her parents would be really proud of her.

You can read the rest of the story next Monday.

Supporting Foster/Adoptive Parents through Prayer

Foster Care. Adoption.

It makes you feel lonely.  You are defending your parenting to everyone you come across.  Some think your kids are horrible and you should be harder on them.  Others think your kids are the best thing since sliced cake and when you give them a glimpse into reality (ie temper tantrums, rages, manipulations) they think it's all your problem.

In foster care you are dealing with caseworkers and their bosses, CASA's, GAL, States Attorney, transporters.  Each has their own opinion of how you should be doing things.  Kids from hard places often have IEP's (Individualized Education Plans....a plan a school has to follow for that specific child).  You have counselors and therapists.  Doctors.  Parents who adopt (typically internationally) are dealing with the child's birth country, counselors, international doctors, and others.

And you feel like you have to maintain a certain standards, not let others see the struggles.  You are unsure who to trust when things get hard.

For me, there is a small reprieve from this when I get a text from my sis-in-law, "How can I pray for you?  How is this going?"  A simple action that means the world.  She doesn't have to know every gritty detail.  She never judges.  She simple asks, listens, and follows through by praying.

It's not hard.  Find a family today who is fostering or (is) has adopted.  If you don't personally know someone, then do a quick google search.  (You can also look at my side tab for families.)  Send them a quick text, email, or facebook message.  Or better yet, talk to them in person.  Leave the judgement behind and simply listen, then pray for them.  It WILL make a difference.

Journey Through the Court System Part 2

Last Friday I took you up to a change in a child's goal.  You can read that post here. 

Return Home-5 Months
If a child has this goal then the courts have oked them to return home anytime in the next five months.  Children begin increasing visits, eventually doing overnight visits.

Substitute Care Pending Termination
In order to terminate a parents rights theymust go through a trail.  The courts will first have a "Pre Trial".  At this the parents are "charged" with termination of rights and ordered to do services.  It's typically a simple, 5 minute session.

A Termination Hearing is LONG.  It is typically all day, possibly longer.  It rests on the State to provide proof that the parents' rights.  A Termination Hearing is broken into two parts: Fitness and Best Interest.  In Fitness the Judge is trying to decide if the parents are "fit" or "unfit".  Like a trial you would see on tv both sides will call witnesses and question them.  Next is "Best Interest".  Basicly they are trying to decide what the best interest of the child is.  Just because a Judge finds a parent unfit does not mean that they find the best interest of the child is adoption.  If the parents are found unfit and the best interest is adoption then the Judge will found grounds for termination. 

The parents do have 30 days to appeal this ruling.  This does not add another court date.  The Appellate court will go through the court transcripts and make sure nothing was done wrong that could affect the ruling.  The Appellate Courts are expedited for these cases.  In our area expedited means 6 to 8 months.

Most estimations for adoption in our county is about a year.  There is a TON of paperwork, for the caseworker mainly.  When all the paperwork is done you then have to wait on the courts to set the adoption date.  If a child is NOT in a home that is adopting them then that adds a bit of a kink.  A child HAS to be in a home for six months before they can be adopted.

So there you have it, the Illinois court system at it's finest.  We are so fortunate in this county.  A Judge holds ALL the power in the decision making.  We happen to have an incredible judge in this county.  We also have a great States Attorney and GAL (Guardian Ad Litem-the kids attorney).  And whats most amazing for me to watch is the parents attorney's.  They have some tough clients, but they fight incredibly HARD for them.  We are beyond blessed to live in this county.

Journey through the Court System Part 1

The court system for foster care is complex and confusing to say the least.  I think most people have NO idea what it is like until they live it.  I'm going to try and break it down for you.  I will do a pre adoption/return home goal change and a post adoption/return home goal change post.  This is for Illinois ONLY!  I'm not sure how other states do it, but I would assume some of it is pretty similar.  Also, I know I am going to get some of this wrong, feel free to correct me and I will update the post.  At this point I'm not going to share where we are in system.

• The kids are removed from the home: Children can be removed from their home for emtional, physical, medical, or sexual abuse.  Children can also be removed for neglect.  
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• Shelter Hearing: A shelter hearing happens within 48 hours of a child being removed from their home.  At this time the evidence for why they where removed is presented.  If a child was unfairly removed then the child is immediately returned home (not very often).  Typically it is found that there is convincing evidence for the removal.  The child is then taking into temporary DCFS care (it doesn't matter if the child is placed with a private agency or DCFS....DCFS is the one who takes guardianship).

• Adjudicatory Hearing: At this hearing the biological parents are charged with abuse and/or neglect of the minor.  They will either plead guilty or not guilty.  If its pretty clear they did it then their lawyers will recommend they plead guilty.  If they plead not guilty and are found not guilty the child is returned home.  Typically they are found guilty and charged with abuse and/or neglect of the minor.  They have forty days to appeal this or they can wave the appeal.

• Dispostitional Order: A dipostional order means that full guardianship of the child is taken by DCFS.  We are actually NOT the children's guardians and thus can NOT make those decisions.  Neither is our caseworker.  All of those things go above his/her head.  We ARE the kids educational advocates meaning we can sign off on field trips and IEP's.  We can NOT sign off on athletic events of any sort (if our kids want to play soccer, it has to be approved).  We are not their medical guardians either.  While we can take the kids to basic appointments.  We can not sign off on any medication or procedures, that is DCFS's job. 

• Status Hearings: Status hearings take place every 3, 6, or 9 months.  MOST take place every 6 months.  I don't think they often take place 9 months out.  If it is happening in shorter spurts (3 months) that that means that you are either getting closer to termination or to return home.  Visits are another way to tell this.  A parent is given the right (typically) to seeing their child at visits for two hours a week.  If the visits are increasing in length and frequency the child is getting ready to return home.  If they are decreasing in frequency the parents are getting closer to loosing rights.  At each status hearing the parents plan is reviewed and goals gone over (the family is given a plan for what needs to be done to return the children home and the parents are given goals to accomplish).  The parents are either found fit or unfit at each of these.  The goal is then set at Return Home-5 Months, Return Home-12 Months, or Substitute Care-Pending Termination. 

• Goal Change: At some point (I believe Dispositional, but it my be Adjudicatory) the child is given a goal (see the three listed above).  If it's Return Home-5 Months the children can be returned home any time in the next five months.  The parents at this point will have been found fit because they have met all their goals.  Return Home-12 Months means that the child will continue to go through Status Hearings.  The parents have not completed services but the courts are still trying to return that child home.  Substitute Care-Pending Termination means that there will be a Termination Hearing.  The parents are not completing services and the court feels the best interest of the child is to end those parents' rights.

Are you confused yet?  Yeah, me too, and I have lived it.  Next Friday I will post what happens ofter a goal changes to Return Home-5 Months OR Substitute Care-Pending Termination.