Getting Real: Standing At a Cross Roads.

Our first morning as a family of six.

Do you ever have those moments where you stand at a cross roads? A moment that changes what everything from here on out will be like? Holding your child for the first time, moving across the country for a new job, or walking across the stage for graduation. I feel like we are standing at one of those moments right now.

Recently, we made a decision that brought both sadness and relief in one fell swoop. We choose to surrender our Foster Care License. This means, that by our own free will we choose to give up the license that allows us to be foster parents. The license we took nine weeks of classes for. The license we did physical, background checks, and piles of paperwork for. The license that brought four children through our doors, three forever. 

So much of me feels like we have abandoned a community that we have come to deeply love and appreciate. Foster parents are some of the most incredible people I know.  I feel like we've turned our back on a community of children that desperately need people to love them. I feel like we are "giving up". 

I do know though that our hearts are still in the foster care world. We have been forever affected and changed by the last three plus years. These kids need a voice.  People need to hear their stories.  These parents need support and love. And there needs to be more done to keep these families together before it ever escalates to foster care. Once they reach that point it is hard for families to go back

We hope that God will allow us to speak up and speak out for these kids, these families. We hope God will allow us to come along beside them before it's too late. We hope that our time in foster care is not over, just different. What that looks like? We really don't know. Tony recently told a friend, "I feel like we are standing at a cross roads. We know we have to get somewhere. We know we have a deadline. We just don't know where we are going or how to get there." 

For now we wait. I've seen over and over and over again that the wait is hard, the wait is tiring. However, God always works in the wait. He always prepares, guides, and teaches. As much as I dislike the wait, it's what we need for what He has prepared on the other side.

Are we done having children, our family is "complete"? We don't know, we are open to adoption in the future. Will we foster again some day? Maybe, but we know it will be a long enough wait that it's not worth keeping out license open. This decision is NOT because our hands are "full".  This is because it is what is best for our family overall.

Getting Real: Kids in Sports

Of all the Getting Real blog post I've written this one is sure to be the most controversial.  It is definitely a hot button topic among families, especially families in the Church.  I'm simply going to present our families view and why we believe it. 

A dad and I were chatting about sports.  He was sharing the sports his child was in and I was sharing the sports our kiddos were in (or lack there of-at the time).  "But aren't you afraid they will be behind."

My six year old, unathletic child....behind...at sports.  Nope, that really wasn't a concern of mine at the time.  The fact that my 3 year old daughter knew ballet moves because of all the books she had read, but had never downed a leotard.  Not my biggest problem. 

Tony and I have a few things we discuss when it comes to our kids extracurriculars.  We are very particular and because of that our kids do not participate in much.  Here's our list:

• Is is age appropriate?  Are they doing stuff in the sport that we do not find safe for our child? (IE pushing 3 grade wrestlers to drop a pound in a half an hour in order to drop a weight class or practicing in full pads...again 3rd grade...for football in the middle of the hot, humid summer.)
• How much of our families time is it going to consume?  How much of our child's time does it consume?
• Does the event take place on a Sunday or a Wednesday night?
• How costly is it not only for our child to participate but also for our family to attend? (Events around here can run up to $6 per person to attend, that is $30 for our family to watch each event.)

Wrestling, girl scouts, boy scouts, football and dance have all been said no to because of our standards for our family.  Some of those things we would love to do in the future (ie we really would like our girls to be able to take a dance class) but at the time we needed to say no.

We are not anti sports.  In fact we love, love, love watching our kids compete.  We love what kids learn from sports.  We love that in Tball this last summer our kids giggled, were encouraged, were pushed, learned to work with and cheer on a team. 

However, we hold church and our family worshiping together in the highest regard.  We hold our time at home together as a family in the highest regard.  We respect our children's young developing bodies and refuse to allow them, at this age, the stress that some of these sports allow. 

We are finding our commitment to this is growing harder.  Sweet Pea was devastated when "all" of her best friends did girl scouts and she couldn't.  The peewee football coach was not happy when he came to see if Big Brother would be playing football this summer (yes, he's THAT big) and we informed him that he would not be.  Our kids are most likely not going to play professionally, and if they do them starting in junior high in football is not going to put them behind.  We are choosing to hold on to the moments we have with them. now.  As hard as that is for our kids, we know that our families daily health is better for our choices.

Getting Real: The Crushing Reality of Lost Dreams

This blog post was written somewhere in the Spring of 2013 and saved for a more appropriate time.  We knew that chances where we would be allowed to adopt the kids.  However, in the midst of weekly visits and the hope of court our kids hearts where not geared toward adoption.

Yesterday I sat in a court room and heard the word "termination" spoken.  We were given a 3 month court date meaning that they are moving towards that.  I watched as BioMom ran her hands through her hair, exasperated.

I came home that night and had my little boy look at me with hope filled eyes and ask, "Did the judge say I could go home?"

"No buddy.  He didn't.  It's not safe at home yet."

Adoption, it's born out of such pain and heartache.  And yet I sit here filled with excitement.  It's like a teeter-totter of emotions.

God has shown us time and time again that these kids where suppose to be in our home.  He reaffirms it in big ways constantly.  I've given up with the "Are you sure God?" because I know he is.  And it excites me that there is a possibility that they will be forever MINE.  It's an amazing feeling.  It's blessing and gift I don't deserve.

However, in that seat sat a mom that deeply loves her children.  She has a desire to be a good mom to them but doesn't have the ability to provide them the home they deserve.  It's heartbreaking.  But I'm also angry at her.  Why didn't she fight for her kids?

And at my kitchen table sits a little boy who would go back to a world that isn't safe in order to be with his parents.  A little boy that longs to go "home".  And some day I'm going to have to look him in those hope filled eyes and crush his dream.

Now, almost two years later and adoption complete I would love to say my children's hearts are completely "sold out" to adoption.  While my children love that they are adopted and have accepted us as parents there is still a part of them that wishes they could go home.  Adoption does not replace desire.

Getting Real: Why Adoption from Foster Care Matters

We were having a conversation about foster care and adoption with a group when this statement was made...

"Yes, but it really adoption really doesn't change that much does it?"

Adoption from foster care changes everything and nothing all at the same time.

In some ways nothing has changed from January 4th to January 5th.  The kids go to the same school, sleep in the same beds, our daily routines and rules all stay the same.  In our every day lives-nothing has changed.

However, at the same time everything has changed.

Legally: Now our kids are considered ours, not the states.  We make the daily decisions for what doctors to go to, if their faces can be shown on social media, and whether they can travel out of state.  They are now legally eligible to be on Tony's insurance, rather then state insurance.  We can call them legally a Snyder.  We are able to choose how to discipline, whether they need a dresser or not, and what water tempature we can bathe them in.  We make all medical, school, and financial decisions.  We no longer have to send school reports to a caseworker (or have her visit on a weekly bases) or figure out what to do about our child's picture in the paper.  It seems like a million and one ways that our lives have changed legally.

Identity: "Mr. Snyder, your mom is here." were the words that came out of the teachers mouth on the 5th.  Snyder. Our kids have received a new identity.  They are officially Snyder's.  When I married Tony I still felt like a Grey.  However, while there was still Grey in me, I legally belonged to the Snyder family.  When I walk into my in-laws house I am one of them, permentantly.  When someone calls my name, that is the family they associate me with.  My kids are the same way.  It's a new identity.  A sense of belonging.

Permancy:  The world between birth family right's being terminatied and adoption happening is like no man's land.  A child has lost their ties to the past. The kids legally become orphaned, with no parents.  They feel that loss.  On adoption day they are told they are offically part of something new.  They are no longer floating around like "a man without a country."  They have a permant place they belong.  There is no threat that they will ever be taken away.

Security: After termination we were going through a rough time with one of our kiddos.  I looked at a fellow mom who had adopted from foster care and said, "You know I don't have to keep this child.  They aren't legally mine. I CAN ask for them to be moved."  All she said was, "Yes you can."  It was so good for my heart and yet so challenging.  In those days, weeks, and months that Tony and I spent hours going "what are we going to do about this child."  We secured in our heart that they are ours.  As much as the challenges they are going through suck, they are ours.  It is our job to walk thro
ugh the hard with them.  It cemented our commitment to them.

Spiritually:  Adoption is a Biblical issue.  Adoption hits on God's heart.  Romans 8:5 states, "The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'"  That is the heart of adoption.  It makes a permanent, unbreakable bound, just as salvation does for believers.

Getting Real: Finding Joy in Motherhood

Being a mommy.  It's what I always wanted.  I would say I was going to be a teacher or social worker, but I knew what I really wanted was to be a mommy.  I married a like minded man with a heart to see me at home.  When I got pregnant with Addilece I was thrilled. 

About a month before we took Our Guy into our home I was straightening up the living room.  As I was putting pillows back on the couch I turned to watch Addilece spin and dance to a song playing.  I thought, "This is where I want to be.  I could NOT think of another job I would want to do right now.  I'm so fortunate to do what I love."

Then life changed.  We said hello, fell in love, and said to goodbye to Our Guy.  We had our world rocked as we went to the craziness of four children.  We dealt with emotional roller coasters.  We had a child diagnosed with Autism.  We had a child struggle with their identity in our family.  We dealt with a parade of caseworkers, therapists, and counselors; court dates, doctors appointments, and birth family visits.  Our marriage took a beating. 

Just over two years after I had that beautiful moment, I sat in our living room again and told Tony I did  not like being a mom.  It was just motions by that point.  Things I should have found funny drove me nuts.  I would have been more thrilled to have my kids sit quietly and read books to themselves all day then enjoy the rowdiness of their play.  I did everything with the goal of bed time, so I could shut of my brain before heading to bed, just to do it again the next day.  It was hard to admit, especially to myself.

Thankfully, my story didn't end there. A few months later Baby Girl was standing on our landing while music was playing, as she was dancing she kept poking her head around the corner to see if I was watching.  I began laughing and thought to myself, "oh I love these kids and I love being with them."  It was such a breathtaking moment, to have that joy back.

Oh dear mommas.  Life with kids can be so tough and so draining sometimes. Have you lost your joy?  I wish I could give you a five step process to find your joy again, but I can't.  I did nothing of my own accord expect pray and pray some more.  God did all the work.  He worked and healed in many ways and taught me many lessons.  I do want you to know this.  I get it.  I do.  I'm not here to judge, because I know you feel that all around you.  But if you want a hug, a listening ear, or a praying friend I would be happy to do that for you!

Getting Real: Our Decision to Public School Pt. 2

Last week I shared my heart of sending Sweet Pea to public school.  The Getting Real post focused on why I was struggling, even though this was the BEST decision for our family.  This week I was to focus of the why behind the decision.  It wasn't one reason for our decision but many little things that added to the overall picture.

Sweet Pea is a social girl.  When we would go to the school to get the twins from PreK, Sweet Pea would get out of the car just so she could stand by the school fence.  Her hope was one of the kids at recess would come up and talk to her.

I learned when homeschooling Sweet Pea for preschool that it is a lifestyle.  You have to make it the number one priority of your day.  You have to be ok not getting housework done or eating breakfast for supper, because all you did that day was school.  We have five appointments every week.  We have children when anger issues, attachment problems, disablities, and needing help with their own stuff from school.  I knew that I could not focus on the needs of my other three children and homeschool Sweet Pea the way she deserved.

At the time we made the decision Little Man and Baby Girl were going to remain in the same PreK class.  They would arrive home at 11 am, interrupting our day right in the middle of it.  They both need quit a bit of attention when they get home, so it wasn't like I could give them a hug and send them to play.  Since then we have made the decision to send one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  Having one of them home while trying to focus my attention on teaching, just would not of worked.  Like I said, they both need a lot of attention.

One thing I am thrilled about, now that the twins are split, is I get to spend individual time with them.  They each have specific needs of their own that we really need to address.  We have a unique opportunity to do that before they both are in school full time.

Homeschooling is still in my heart.  I love being a part of my child's learning.  I love watching the excitement on their face.  However, at this time the best place for each of our children is in the public schools.  They have wonderful teachers and a staff that cares.  We are privileged to have that.  Maybe some day homeschooling will be part of our lives again. For now, I'm excited to see how much growth our family will make in the next year.  And I'm learning to cherish special time with each of my kids.

Why did you make the schooling decisions you did for your family?  What was the blessing in those decisions?

Getting Real: Our Decision to Public School Pt. 1

This is the last day of Big Brother and Sweet Pea's first week of school.  Last year we shared our decision to homeschool Sweet Pea (you can read about that here and here).  When I shared it I thought for sure we would be homeschooling again for Kindergarten.  In fact, Kindergarten was the one year Tony and I were 100% positive we would homeschool when we had children that age.  We weren't big fans of full day school for five year olds and Common Core seemed to cement that decision.  Yet, here we are, a fully public school family.

Last year, about a month into the school year I watched a mom linger as her son ran to his line at school.  She turned to me and said, "it's just so hard to let him go."  I smiled but inside I was judging her (I know, I know....BIG mistake).  I mean here I was sending three kids to school, was it that big of a deal?  Why did she find it so hard?  Certainly a month later she was beyond this, right?

I thought the first day would be hard with Sweet Pea.  I would cry, she would be a bit shy, then we would move on with life.  As my little girl stood like an expert in line, barely turning to wave (the wave was to the adults in general, she didn't even care where I was), I was nothing but happy.  She was excited, this is what she needed.  But then day two came around and suddenly it dawned on me, a school day is really long.  This isn't going to stop at day one.  She is going to be gone for most of the day, five days a week.

Suddenly I find myself wanting to be that mom from last year.  I wanted to linger just a bit, because this IS hard.  I just want to spend one more minute watching her, enjoying being her mom.

And even though this is hard, I have also been blown away by thankfulness.

I'm thankful that this decision was based solely on what was best for our family.  We didn't have to take into account bad school districts or horrible teachers.

I'm thankful my kids go to a school that tries to give these kids an awesome education with teachers who love and invest in them, despite diminishing budgets.  I'm thankful that each of my kids got incredible teachers, and I don't have to worry about what they will be taught all day.

I'm thankful for a small conservative town that holds pretty true to Christian beliefs.  I'm not worried about the movies my kids will watch or the amount of foul language they hear. Or many other things.

I'm thankful for this opportunity for our entire family.

I'm thankful my kids love school and are doing well in it.

Mostly I'm thankful for a God who walks me through even the hard times, even the lonely times.  Who watches over my children at school.  Who desires His best for each of us.

Next week I will talk about the WHY behind our decision.  But until then what does your children's schooling look like this year?  What are you thankful for as the year begins?

Getting Real: That Baby I "Should" Have

If you know our family or you've been on our blog for several years then you most likely know our past.  However, if you are new around here, then you might not know our history.  Within hours of Addilece's birth I was taken into emergency surgery for D&C that led to an emergency hysterectomy.  I was hemorrhaging and it saved my life.  You can read more of that story here.

We were 21 years old.  It was not only a shock to our system but to many others, as well.  A young couple, just starting their family and suddenly they're unable to have the children they have been dreaming and hoping for all their lives.

When we talked about adoption and went into foster care my heart hoped for a baby.  I'm thankful for a husband that through that time didn't shoot down that notion but also reminded me that God would place the children he desired into our home.  We were licensed 0 to 10 and while a part of me still hoped for a baby to adopt I knew deep down, that wasn't were God was leading us. We were suppose to foster older kids, which was quickly confirmed with a call that included two 2 (almost 3) year olds as the youngest children.

However, that elusive baby that we should have, we still have many people pushing for it.  They are well meaning, caring people.  It's still hard to wrap their minds around a young couple, who aren't able to have what they "want" (or rather what we used to want).  I love that people are so supportive.  However, God choosing not to give us an infant is not because God is denying us anything. 

Is a baby what will fill our family?  Make it complete?  No.  Only God can fill and complete our family.  A baby, placed in our family by my own desire and not God's, would be harmful.  Us seeking to fill our hearts on our own only creates hurt.  God must be the one to fill our hearts.  Each child he places in our home, regardless of age, is placed their for a reason.  It would be easy to justify the pursuit of a baby.  Many people would support and even encourage it.  However, without God as the center of that decision (which he is not right now), it would mean putting a burden to fill a need on a child, rather then on God.

I'm pretty sure we will never get a baby.  It's just not where God has placed us.  Would I like one? Yes.  Do I need one? No.  It's not what completes me or fills me.

Getting Real: Questioning a Diagnosis

It has been just over a year since we received the official diagnosis that Little Man had Autism.  It came with relief, answers, and help.  However, in the last year I have found myself living in a lot of doubt.

Autism.  It's a pretty hot topic.  As of now there is only speculation to the cause and "cure" of Autism.  A debate that I am not willing to engage in.  The process to diagnose it can be tedious or simple.  We went the tedious route.  We had phone interviews, a questionnaire (300 pages long), documents from the school, developmental reports, a developmental screening done by a team of experts, and an appointment with the specialist who made the official diagnosis.  It was not done lightly.

At first all of this offered reassurance that yes the diagnosis was right.  However, as time has gone one I have spent hours wondering if something went wrong.  I feel like I'm staninding with a wall of evidence behind me but doubt makes me unable to stand on it's assuances.

Tony and I have sat in a room where we have had multiple professionals say things like, "well, I'm not sure what you told them but..." or "we don't see that here, he's NOT doing that" or "we know a lot of kids have been misdiagnosed."  The "I'm not sure how he got this disagnosis" tends to sting.

As Tony and I dealt with a new situation in which Little Man was not coping well, Tony looked at me and said, "This is how I know it wasn't wrong."  The evidence is there, the behaviors are there.  However, as a mom living in a world that wants to debate my child's disability more then it wants to help my child with his disability it can seem very lonely.

Getting Real: The Hero Mentality of Foster Care Pt. 2

If you haven't gotten a chance to read part of of the Hero Mentality, please do so!  It talks about why viewing foster parents is dangerous for the children those parents are caring for.

Hero's.

In part of the newest Batman, in order for the common good and protection of all the image of Batman must be destroyed.  His reputation is ripped to shreds.  Hero's tend to fall and when they do, they fall far.

I rarely go a week with out one of the following statements (or something similar) said to me: "I couldn't do what you are doing."  "Thank you for doing what you do for these kids." "These kids couldn't ask for  better home."  People are trying to be encouraging and supportive.  I completely understand that, and I am thankful for the desire to support and encourage.

However, the problem is--I am human.  I make so many mistakes as a foster parent.  I'm not saying that to be modest.  I used to think I was a good momma.  I used to think I was a good wife.  I used to think I was good at doing ministry outside my home.  NOW...I have questioned everything I know about myself.  (And in many ways that's been good because I've been able to see God step into places where I once thought myself to be good enough.)

Holding parents to a Hero Mentality does two things:

It places the foster parent on a pedestal. The higher it goes, the bigger the fall when that parent messes up.  And mess up they will.  Recently a foster mom was convicted of shaking her foster baby.  It was unjustified, it wasn't right, it's not excusable.  But, what blew me away was how judgmental people are.  I heard statement after statement of "they placed children into her home to be protected and she just went and hurt them"  Again, I'm not saying that she is justified.  However, I have such sorrow for her.  What drove her to that point? Could more training have helped? How low had the saddness and loniless and pain of being a foster parent taken her?

Second, it makes foster parenting seem impossible to accomplish. If someone views a foster parent as extraordinary then they aren't even going to consider that role for themselves.  There is a huge need for more foster parents.  It doesn't take a nursing degree, a master's in special education, an extraordiary gift, or a magical power.  It simple takes someone who is willing to say no to some of their own desires and yes to a child in need of love and saftey.  That doesn't make it easy or fun, but it also isn't impossible.

I don't want to be viewed as a hero.  It hurts my kids, it hurts me, it hurts foster care.  I think if we took the time to think of foster parents as people just like us we would see more people desire to become one and we would see more support given to those who are already doing it.   

Have you ever felt like you were placed on a pedestal you didn't want to be on?  Have you ever fallen from someones graces for being less then perfect?

Getting Real: The Hero Mentality of Foster Care Pt 1

 

We were at a dinner and someone was asking me about foster care, why and how we got into it.  "That's very.................................nice of you."

I'm not sure he meant nice but he was speaking along the lines of the "charity" or "goodness of our hearts" to take these kids that are not our own in.  There is a hero mentality in foster care.  Not by the foster parents, but by society in general.  It's a belief that what we do is extra ordinary.  We are hero's, rescuing these kids from a horrible past.

Here's part of the problem with that.  Our kids do not view us as rescuers, but rather as preventing them from being with their family.  Let me repeat that: our children do not view us as rescuing them from their past, rather they see us as preventing them from being with their families.

Early on in Baby Girl's counseling her Counselor taught us to pass the buck and "always push the blame up the ladder".  Blame the agency, blame the judge, always pass it on.  She said that because often our children turn around and blame us for being in foster care.

I hear this out of my children's mouths at least once a week: "I'm mad at you because I want to live with my birth family."  Or "I'm mad at you because I don't want you to be my mom, I want my birth mom."  Or "I won't show you respect because you make me live here, I don't want to live here."

We've been working on this for two years and I still here that at least once a week.  

The hero mentality damages our children.  It gives them a sense that they should be grateful to us.  It makes them believe that they owe us something for all we've "given up" for them.  It COMPLETELY goes against true love!  It COMPLETELY goes against healing these kids.

We are not the hero's for rescuing these kids, because we didn't rescue them.  They are the hero's because of all they are choosing to overcome on a daily basis.  We do not need gratitude for raising them, rather we are privileged to have them in our family.  At the core it's not about us, it's about these kids.

Getting Rea: Where My True Ministry Lies

We are wrapping up a very busy season of our lives.  We have a few odds and ends to tie up.  Some bags to put away.  Things to gather into a box to give to those who need them.  However, the bulk of the work is done.  Our time to close out this chapter in our lives as the leaders of Awana has come.

For those of you who know us well, you know we have a heart beat for Awana.  We have been in it since we were in Cubbies (Preschool).  For me I am a Citation Award winner (10 books in 10 years, over a thousand verses memorized in since Cubbies).  We have a legacy of parents with a heart beat for Awana.  And we have been involved in almost every aspect of it from Quizzing to AwanaGames to the missionaries Ministry Board.

However, we have come to a place in our lives where God has given  us the direction and freedom to step out of the role of leading this ministry.  (Side Note:  This does not mean we won't be back in future years to help fulfill needed roles, we are just not running the program at our church.)  At first the decision was easy and freeing.  God gave us great peace about the decision.  As our time went though, my heart began to hurt. 

See, we have already pulled out of almost every single ministry we were in, many of which we dearly loved, because our family need us to pull back.  We needed to be able to focus on our family.  But it wasn't enough.  Our kids were still not making the progress they should.  We were still running ridiculously crazy schedules and trying to fit all of our responsibility for this program in as well. The decision seems pretty clear cut, family comes first.

However, our church, like most churches, desperately needs people to step up and help serve.  We know that well, as Tony was the one in charge of recruiting for this ministry.  It tugs deep into my heart and I began to question...."God how will I teach my children to serve when I am not?  How will they find out the imporatnce of ministry when I am not in none?  I was raised that when there is a need to help in the church, you do.  How will I teach my kids that?"

God's answer was incredibly clear.  "Your number one ministry is NOT Awana and NOT in the church.  Your ministry is four little people who sit at your feet every day.  Your ministry is a husband who needs your attention.  Your ministry is the neighbor you only see when you are waving to them from your van, but now you need to invest in.  Your ministry is your heart focused on Me.  Your ministry, the one that I have put as number one in your life, is getting pushed aside.  Yes, these other things have value and importance but they are not the most important."

So, as sad as it is to leave this amazing ministry behind, Tony and I have already seen God bless that decision.  We've already seen some big answers to pray in our kids lives.  God sent an amazing man to take over Tony's position.  And we have felt a tremendous amount of love and support with this decision.  Not one person has pressured us to stay or called our decision wrong.  It's going to be hard at times next year to drop my kids off every week and turn and walk out the church doors.  However, I know we will reap huge benefits from the time we now have available.

Getting Real: Worn

I woke up this morning tired, wishing I had read that alarm clock wrong.  After a relaxing Spring Break and fabulous Sunday with Daddy and some beautiful spring weather, the week had started out horrible.  We were going through life normally till I made a dreaded, torturous request: fold your laundry and put it away. 

This request was not new and the expectations were not high.  Simply make an attempt to "fold" your clothing and get it in the right draw.  We do it about once a week for the last 2 months.  However, I had not one but TWO children decide that this was NOT going to happen.  24 hours later one of those children finally finished.  The other.....zero progress (besides the socks and undies that I had dealt with).  In fact they had spent much of that time yelling, hitting, and out right defying. 

I was past my limit.  The night before had proved that.  After joining in a screaming match with this child I grabbed the chips Tony had bought for himself at the store and sat on the floor bawling  The child went to bed early, with no more progress made. 

After a long morning I was thankful to leave three of the kiddos behind at school and get time to breathe.  I pulled into the driveway to hear Worn by Tenth Avenue North.  This song has been the cry of my heart for this child since Christmas 2012.  I can't heal their broken and hurting heart.  I can't fix them, as much as I want to.  I can't make they accept, love, let go.  I can't replace the rejection.

But I serve a God who can.  I serve God!  And I rest in that.  Because their is nothing else I can rest in.  And as I sat trying to hold back tears for Sweet Pea's sake, I soaked in those words again, crying out for this child, for our relationship.  The God who redeems, who heals, who answers prayer, loves this child more then I ever could.

    My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Getting Real: Seeking Help Part 2

You can read part 1 about our journey into the world of counseling here.

We as a family have seen a total of four different Counselors and three Therapist on a regular basis.*  We have had four specialty doctors, one of whom is regularly active in our kids lives.  We have had numerous other therapists and specialist in and out of our lives to help us.  One of our kids have been "specialized" with in the foster care system, which means, among other things, we see a caseworker once a week and a nurse once a month.

*Side Note: I say counselors for those who are helping our family emotionally and therapist for those who are helping our children physically.  That is the easiest way for us to distinguish it in our home.

All of that can be exhausting.  In and out of waiting room with 1 to 3 children to entertain.  Packed lunches and snacks.  Dealing with upset kids because I forgot the water bottles again.  Trying to communicate to each and every one of them what they need to know about that child.  Trying to remember what I have and have not told our caseworker and what paper work I still need to send her.

It gets lonely.  It gets tiring.  It's draining.  There is a lot of guilt associated with it.  From the forgotten water-bottles to lack of implementing a method I should have implemented this week to putting off the one on one counseling session so long that the Counselor doesn't even talk about it any more.

However, though all this I've found this surprising sweetness. Those moments when I get to stand beside another Momma as she talks about her child and the struggle they may be having. 

Oh those are so sweet.  To find a companion. For a brief moment to "get it" with her.  I might not know what goes into her every day but I do know its a great deal.  I know that she feels like she is holding on to her finger tips, fighting with every ounce of her strength for her child.  She has become a mini expert in crisis management, sensory input, speech skills.  And for a small amount of time we both get to see a life with no judgement of how we should be doing it, but rather with an unspoken word encouragement and support.

Getting Real: Seeking Help Part 1

 
It's a nasty word.  At least we often view it that way.  It goes against every grain of our American "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" thinking.  It means admitting we can't do it on our own.  It often takes hit to our pride.  It's a struggle to admit it's needed, especially around other Christians.  We often have this feeling that if we just........ (pray, love Jesus, suck it up, were stronger....you fill in the blank) enough then we wouldn't need it.

The word is counseling.

coun·sel·ing

ˈkouns(ə)liNG/

noun

noun: counselling; noun: counseling

1.

the provision of assistance and guidance in resolving personal, social, or psychological problems and difficulties, esp. by a professional.

So I'm coming out to be real and say, my family needs and utilizes counseling, A LOT.  Every single member of this family, minus one, has gone through some sort of counseling in the last year and a 1/2.  Tony and I even do a form of it (even though we don't call it that, partially due to the reasoning listed above).  We meet with a couple once a month and talk.  We have a safe place and we share honest and hard feelings with them.  It's a good break from the kids and it's an even better way for us to process life.

It's hard to admit you need help, it's hard to admit you can't do it on your own.  However, I have seen so much improvement when we as the parents say, "I get it.  This is hard.  Let's find a way to help you talk about this."  My kids are processing feelings and emotions better.  Behaviors and attitudes are stabling out.  

We still have a long way to go on so many things we are all trying to process, but God is faithful and he has not abandoned us in this process.  We are no less loved because we "didn't love him enough to not be able to do this on our own."  He doesn't view us as less of his because "we didn't pray hard enough for all this hurt to go away."  (Yes, that was meant completely tongue-in-cheek.) He still values, loves and cherishes.

Getting Real: The Fish Bowl

When we were taking our PRIDE classes to get our Foster License we were told that we would be living in a fish bowl when it came to our parenting.  Everybody would be there to judge us.  We've seen the truth of that-caseworkers, people who go to church, teachers, family, etc.  We've even sat before a judge as lawyers questioned every aspect of it.

If this is true for foster parenting its three times as true for parenting a special needs child (including the lawyer part).  I have never felt so judged and attacked in my parenting as I have when it comes to Little Man.  You have those who view you as soft parents who let his behavior get out of control.  You have others who think you are too hard on him and his autism should be an excuse for his behavior.  You have others who think that if you just provided more positive reinforcement, high expectations, structure, etc then you he would do better.

We have two therapists, a caseworker, a nurse, teachers, social worker, counselor, and more working with him on a regular basis.  Everybody has an opinion, and few of those opinions take into consideration that I'm a momma to three other kids, two of them the same age as Little Man, two of them also high needs.  They don't consider that I'm trying to not drowned my marriage in all of this, and that my husband is my number 1 priority and no child will trump that.  They don't consider that my house hangs on the balance of falling to pieces at any moment and I can't allow that to happen (not with multiple people entering my home every week).

However, there are those people: therapists, friends, family, who cast no judgement and look at the situation in its entirety, whose suggestions are just that.  Many of those people have seen the tears roll down my cheeks, have listened to random rants that are sometimes angry and sometimes sad and sometimes a bit bitter.  They have listened for hours.  I'm beyond thankful for those people, they hold me up.

And then there is Tony.  What would I do without that man?  Not one week goes by that I don't tell him I feel like it's all my fault, it must be.  Not a week goes by that I don't scream at him as a result of someone elses behavior.  Not one week has gone by that something didn't get done for him because of something else that I had to do first.  But there he stands, beside me, leading this family.  I love that man and would have fallen to pieces without him.

I know I'm not alone in these feelings, I also know the opinions won't go away.  All of it is an aspect of raising a child with special needs.  Maybe I grow a thicker skin.  I hope not though.  I hope I learn to hear it but filter it through the truth of Christ first and his value of me, of my husband second and how he views me as a mother, and then those friends and families I treasure who have seen our lives in many different aspects.

If you want an amazing special needs blog post check out this one by Kate at Apply Pie, Anyone? 

Getting Real: Praying Changes Hearts

One of our kids is a bit harder for us to raise then our other three.  We are on a constant roller coaster of emotions and behaviors with this child.  We have a week or two of good, followed by a week or two of ok, followed by a week or two of horrible, and on the cycle goes.

Recently, we found ourselves at the bottom of one of those cycles.  I was sitting in my room racking my brain to come up with ideas on what in the world to do.  Should we do time outs?  Are we missing something in our Love and Logic steps?  What will get the message across?  Does this child need more attention or less?  How do I keep my other kids safe?  And in all that racking and thinking and planning I completely left out God.

Not once during this cycle had I sat down to truly focus on God and what he would want me to do with child.  Everything was me and my answer.  Everything was by my own power and not the power that God had placed right in me, the Holy Spirit.

Tony and I have committed to taking a certain amount of time to pray specifically for this child and the issues we are having.  Is is helping?  I would say we are swinging up on that cycle but I haven't seen a HUGE impact on the behavior.  However, I have changed.  I have found that my prayers are for this child in particular, they are for my relationship with them.  I pray that I would find and seek out time to connect, that I would love deeply despite the behavior, that I would sit down in their mess and show them I'm not going anywhere.

Prayer changes things.  It's not necessarily in the way we think.  It may not change that person or that situation but it helps the person praying to align their heart with God and seek His will in what they would do.

Getting Real: Derailed

de·rail  (d-rl)intr. & tr.v. de·railed, de·rail·ing, de·rails

     1. To run or cause to run off the rails.

So many times in this journey of foster care I have watched as our family gets derailed.  We think things are going well, we are meshing as a family, starting to enjoy life.  Then suddenly we derail.

I've got this parenting thing down.  We are having a good day.  I look up to see my child has broken that same boundary, again.  And my patience is done.

Derailed.

Sweet Pea is playing and laughing with her siblings.  Suddenly, she crawls into my lap and asks when they are going to go back "home".

Derailed.

One of my kiddos is eating lunch.  Suddenly, they turn and smack their sibling.  They declare they don't like living here.  They want their birth mom.

Derailed

Little Man's communication is up, he's having a great morning.  Then he goes to school and his teacher is unexpectedly gone.  Now he can't handle life.  Melt downs begin.

Derailed.

Tony goes through each day trying to hold it together through full time work and school.  Then I call him to let him know that the kids broke something new.  More of his precious time will be taken up by fixing that toilet for the third time.

Derailed.

One of my kiddos is not happy that they got "caught" being mean to a sibling.  They wait until I'm pumping gas then turn and pull that siblings hat off their head.  Melt downs and fights ensue.

Derailed.

I think I've gotten a good parenting style down.  But Tony hasn't read the book like I have.

Derailed.

I've learned I have two choices when life derails.  I can handle this situation on my own terms, letting it overwhelm me, giving harsh responses.  Or I can handle it on God's terms with Grace and compassion.

Unfortunately, most of time I try to handle it on my own.  How thankful I am that God handles me on his terms and not my own.

Getting Real: Goals and Starting the Year Badly

I have three "simple" goals for the year: Relationships, Finances, and Organization.  I love that go get 'em feeling at the beginning of the year.  I became a decluttering, organizing machine.  I had that accountant husband of mine build me a worksheet to help balance the budget.  I was ready.

But I forgot one thing.  The most important goal.  Relationships.  Really it's the number one thing I wanted to focus on, the other things were side notes.  I was grumpy at the kids.  Every-time the interrupted my projects, I snapped.  I was begging them to go back to school.  I was totally missing where God had called my heart for the year.

Then God brought THE snow storm of the winter to our back yard.  I was forced to cancel my Satruday plans of my nephews birthday party.  And while Tony spent the day in school, I spent the day home with the kids, again.

But this time God had begun working on my heart.  I decided that I was going to say "yes" to my kids, rather then "I'm busy".

Yes, you can cut with the fun scissors.  Would you like to cut paper or play-dough?

Yes, I will read that book to you.

Sure, I can play for a bit.

Yes, I will answer all your questions (like 20) about the weather page.

It took 20 minutes of my day to say yes, instead of no.  And we went to bed that day in a much better state of mind.  God's still working on my heart and attitude.  It's a daily struggle to put the list down, get down on their level, and say yes.

On the day I write this, the arctic freeze has taken over the outside world (-45 wind chill).  In an attempt to keep warm, we have shut ourselves into our living room (thanks to an old house with sorta functioning sliding doors).  We are watching movies, eating popcorn, enjoying homemade cinnamon rolls.  God has placed me next to my munchkin that I struggle with the most.  Right now that child's head is resting comfortably on my shoulder.  It took a storm to help me see heart was off track, to slow down, and to remember where God has drawn my heart.

10 Fingers, 10 Toes

"Do you want a girl or a boy?"

"All we care is that the baby is healthy and has 10 fingers and 10 toes?"

It's a phrase many parents use when they are expecting a child.  We used it when we were expecting Sweet Pea.  It's the dream every parent wants, to raise a "normal" child.

I'm not sure what every foster and adoptive parent believes about the children they are bringing into their homes.  I think most know that their will be delays and issues.  Some are welcoming children who they know are already diagnosed with special needs.

However, I think most, when they look the full reality of their child's needs in the face, have a grieving process.  There is a process of saying good bye to childhood and adult hood for their kids.  A time of looking at the future and wondering; what is it going to be like.

I have not held Little Man since the day he was born.  But I do, as his mother, have so many hopes and dreams for him.   I want him to live a full and productive life.  I want him to be successful as adult.  But I also know there are so many things I am saying good bye to. 

Each day brings something of joy and success but it also brings a harsh reality of the future we may face.  I love my Little Man, and I will fight hard to help him live life at his very best.  And while he is not "healthy", he is an amazing creation of God.