Thursday, December 11, 2014

Getting Real: Finding Joy in Motherhood

Being a mommy.  It's what I always wanted.  I would say I was going to be a teacher or social worker, but I knew what I really wanted was to be a mommy.  I married a like minded man with a heart to see me at home.  When I got pregnant with Addilece I was thrilled. 

About a month before we took Our Guy into our home I was straightening up the living room.  As I was putting pillows back on the couch I turned to watch Addilece spin and dance to a song playing.  I thought, "This is where I want to be.  I could NOT think of another job I would want to do right now.  I'm so fortunate to do what I love."

Then life changed.  We said hello, fell in love, and said to goodbye to Our Guy.  We had our world rocked as we went to the craziness of four childrenWe dealt with emotional roller coasters.  We had a child diagnosed with Autism.  We had a child struggle with their identity in our family.  We dealt with a parade of caseworkers, therapists, and counselors; court dates, doctors appointments, and birth family visits.  Our marriage took a beating

Just over two years after I had that beautiful moment, I sat in our living room again and told Tony I did  not like being a mom.  It was just motions by that point.  Things I should have found funny drove me nuts.  I would have been more thrilled to have my kids sit quietly and read books to themselves all day then enjoy the rowdiness of their play.  I did everything with the goal of bed time, so I could shut of my brain before heading to bed, just to do it again the next day.  It was hard to admit, especially to myself.

Thankfully, my story didn't end there. A few months later Baby Girl was standing on our landing while music was playing, as she was dancing she kept poking her head around the corner to see if I was watching.  I began laughing and thought to myself, "oh I love these kids and I love being with them."  It was such a breathtaking moment, to have that joy back.

Oh dear mommas.  Life with kids can be so tough and so draining sometimes. Have you lost your joy?  I wish I could give you a five step process to find your joy again, but I can't.  I did nothing of my own accord expect pray and pray some more.  God did all the work.  He worked and healed in many ways and taught me many lessons.  I do want you to know this.  I get it.  I do.  I'm not here to judge, because I know you feel that all around you.  But if you want a hug, a listening ear, or a praying friend I would be happy to do that for you!

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