The Every Day Battle

Recently I have gotten several comments from people thanking me for my blog and how encouraging it has been for them. It got me thinking about how honest I am being on here. While I'm not lying there are certain things I don't think I talk about very often. Many times I am talking about relying on God and trusting him but I don't talk about the days where I don't like God. I also don't talk about my doubts, my fears, my loneliness. So I wanted to right a post to talk about the truth of my days.

There are many reasons I haven't wanted to talk about this. Part of it is that up until recently I was handling things fine, but life changes. Part of it is that I don't want to "complain". So many people are going through such harder things than I am and how do I have a right to complain. And part of it is trying to keep a right balance between what I feel can be shared and what needs to remain private. However, I feel that I'm at a point where I need to be honest about the every day trials.

Tony and I have discovered over the last several months a twist to our story....a twist that wasn't suppose to happen. It is something that at this time I don't feel I can discuss what it is, but it has changed life. It has changed me, at my very core, into someone I don't like. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a monster in my mind. Parts of me are angry and upset over the most idiotic things and my other side of my head is telling me how absolutely ridiculous I'm being. It makes me feel rather lonely also. Needless to say, it makes life.....hard.

Because of this twist along w/ everything else that was going on I feel I don't think logically anymore. There are days when I just look at God and tell him I'M DONE! I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with it all. And that's how I feel, like giving up, like hiding in a cave. I'm sick of putting on the happy face for others when inside everything is bursting, every emotion is heightened.

Last, night I had a discussion with Tony about adopting a baby. Many people assume that is the path we are going to go down. However, both Tony and I feel we are being called to a child (or children) that is between 0 and 4. We won't pursue a baby but we wouldn't turn one down either, if we are offered on. Last night though my whole being wanted a baby. My husband was gracious enough to "talk about it". By the end of the conversation I was back to my reasonable thinking that if we were to actually pursue (especially when neither of us feel this is what we are being called to) a newborn that it would just end in heartache, disappointed, and our children feeling inadequate. But it was hard to admit and still is. It breaks my heart.

Another thing I struggle with is what people say. We had a conversation with a person who had three children. He was talking about how he really hadn't wanted his last one, but that last one came anyway. He went on to say several other things like God had other plans and she was an answer to pray for his wife. The conversation broke my heart. However, I hear these conversations all the time. "I really didn't want this one." "I hate being pregnant." "I'm so glad we are going to be done after this one." "We better get a boy this time." It tears at my heart every time because part of me will probably always want to be pregnant again (and I didn't even enjoy it that much).

Side Note: This is not ment to be a discussion based on views of the number of children a family should have.  Tony and I have our own opinions on the matter.  It is simply to give an example of the MANY conversations I have with others.  I understand his position and many others.  However, not being able to have another child myself is what makes these converstations hard, even if I completely understand the other persons point of view.

I'm learning (daily) to turn things over to God, but that doesn't make every day easier. So, if you read this blog and think "she is so strong", think again. Life is not easy. Our Family Life Pastor, Len, talked about when life hits its break points. You can listen to his sermon here. He talks about the times that you feel like you are holding on by just your finger tips. Well, I'm there, daily.

I'm not looking for sympathy in this post.....I just want those of you who are also struggling w/ many things in life to not get the wrong impression that I've got it all put together. Many times I question God and I want to give up. I'm learning to trust in him fully for his glory, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

38 Weeks Pregnant

Update as of 7/24 (latest doc appointment):
*Almost 2 cm
*Definete dropping of the baby

Doctor says that it will be "hit and miss" from here. She is pretty confident I will deliever by my due date. If not she will let me go one more week before she induces. Its nice to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...but I'm still getting really discouraged. Is that normal for every pregnant woman? I know it will end and I know it will be in the next few weeks but I just want it over now. I just feel aweful. My body is so worn out. So I am praying for strength and endurance (I know what happens to people who pray for patience...lol)

This is just a quick pregnancy update:

As of 7/17:
*1.5 cm dilated
*75% effaced
*Doctor Dameron: "We will probably see you at your appointment next week but from there it will be hit and miss. Things are definitely progressing."

Changes I've seen:
*A definite drop in the baby's position
*this child has pushed him/herself all the way in front
*Spurts of "cleaning energy"
*The bathroom is my best friend...or at least it wants to think it is
*My poor skin is stretched farther then anybody's skin deserves and is incredibly itchy...yuck.

I am READY to have this baby. Depending on the time of day depends on how well I'm holding up. I can be fine w/ being pregnant and 1/2 hour later I am crying telling Tony that I just can't do it anymore. I am anxious to hold my child. To call my child by his or her name and just love them. Today I was humbly reminded though that God has his perfect timing and I must wait for Him. He knows exactly how long my baby needs to be in the womb to get everything he/she needs. I was reminded today of orphans waiting for loving parents they may never know, loving parents waiting to see if a child gets to become theirs, those waiting on jobs, and so many other things. My wait pales in comparison. I am thankful that the Lord has given me this desire to "just be done" because I think it means I'm ready to begin this journey of being a mom. However, I need to remind myself to trust God with His timing, not an easy thing to do!

Baby Showers Galore:
I had two amazing baby showers in the last few weeks. My work surprised me with one, it was truly a surprise. And my church blessed me with another. We received such beautiful and amazing things. I am completely overwhelmed by God's goodness in our lives and the way he has provided. Thank you for everyone who took the time and resources to bless us and our child! I hope you know how grateful we are.

The "Nest" is ready:
I had a check list....amazingly its almost all the way checked off. A week ago I didn't feel anywhere close to completing it. The apartment has gotten a floor to ceiling cleaning (although it may need another one if this baby doesn't come soon), we got new furniture and got it all situated (slipped covered and a new rug), we finally (after living here two months) got all our pictures hung up, the baby's room is ready to go, and our bags are packed. It feels so nice to have that load off my back...its unexplainable.

One Month (Or Less??)

It is offical. I am 36 weeks pregnant and down to my LAST MONTH!!!!! Or could it be less? I guess it could be more too but I can't think about that right now :)

So how are things going....pretty good actually. I mean I am ready for this to be over. I have reched my limit! I told Tony that the offical eviction happens on July 29. That is about a week and a half before I am due. That is when I will be done with all my birthing classes and my internship and basicly done with work (one day short). But I'm really really trying to be patient!

PEANUT NEWS:

The little one is doing just fine. Pushing out my insides is his/her favorite game. I think that the baby has flipped, although I have heard nothing from my doctor. So I'm not worried about a breach birth at this point. This child has quit a cute room that he/she is coming home too...if I do say so myself. :)

These letters were drawn by my sister! They are gorgeous. They really make the room what it is!

We have been overwelhmed by God's faithfulness throughout this pregancy. The changing table and crib were from people who no longer needed them. My parents were so sweet to invest in a really nice carseat and stroller for us.

These are my letters....not as cute but they help add some color to a very bland room. The rocking chair was my great grandfathers. I am so excited to be able to cuddle and rock my baby in it!

The shelf was being gotten rid of by an international student in our apartmeng complex. Even the cheerios and wipes were a blessing. I paid a total of $4 for over 850 wipes!

It has been fun spending time with my husband getting this room together. I don't know where everything from the showers and friends will go but we will find a place! Like I said...God is faithful. We have spent under $45 to funish this room and half of that was baskets for clothes. Everything thing else has been gifted through others.

MOMMY NEWS:

Tired, extremly sore, itchy skin, feeling sick, forgetful, and slow....such is life right now. But through all of it I am overwelhmed with JOY at bringing home my child. I figure what I am going through is not too uncommon so I just have to suck it up :) There are days when I don't know if I will be a good parent but I'm trying to remind myself that I will only be a good parent if I let God parent through me. I am so glad to be serving such a FAITHFUL God.

At 34 weeks I felt a lot of aches and pains. The feared contractions, however, I wasn't dialated. They put my on the monitors and sure enough I was having some. However, I think what the monitors where picking up was Braxton Hicks and the night before was false labor. At 35 weeks I was 1 cm dialated. I don't know what I am at 36 weeks yet. My doctor is glad to see things start to progress along.

I told a Mommy and Me class to learn about post birthing care of myself and the baby. Tony and I also started our birthing classes. We were hoping to have these complete by this point but with my internship we were unable to do that. We really enjoyed the first night and our teacher is wonderful.

Life for me is starting to slow down a bit. I'm done with summer classes (whoo hoo) and I am a few weeks out of completing my internship. I have 3 more weeks of work but those should be fairly simple weeks.

DADDY'S NEWS:

Tony is doing pretty well. He is working so hard to provide for his wife and child. He is a roofer during the day and a gas station attendant at night. He also gives blood plasma when he can find the time. I'm so thankful for a husband that is so unselfish to provide what is over all best for his family by allowing his wife to stay home.

He has been so amazing throughout this whole pregnancy. He takes care of me, the house, the money....all of it with NO COMPLAINTS. I am so serious. If he has complained at all its about dishes, and who can blame him....plus my complaints are much bigger then his in that catagory! I don't know what I would do with out him.

He has also managed to round us up some new furniture which I am very exciting about and has done a great job of the contrustion part of the baby's room. He gets to pick out the baby's going home outfit (a tradition that comes from my parents). This is a privilage that he more then deserves! He keeps me calm and holds me when I just can't be....I don't think God could of shown me how much I can love him (Tony) if He had not taken me down this path of pregnancy.

Pregnancy Update: Week 26

Wow, I didn't realize it had been nine weeks since my last post. I just kept thinking that I was up to date :) So here is how my pregnancy is going thus far.....

Easter Picture: 23 weeks pregnant

The Baby:

This child is definitely growing...although not huge. At 25 weeks we had a high tech ultrasound (I will explain why in a minute) and the baby was in the 59% for weight. He/she was 1 lb 12 oz. According to weight the baby is 4 days ahead of schedule. Tony and I figured we would have a big baby (we were both big babies) but it looks like this may be an 8 pounder or so...so not huge.

The baby was diagnosed with Single Umbilical Artery (SUA). 1% of kids have this. Baby's are suppose to have two arteries and a vien, ours has one of each. This was the reason for the high tech ultrasound. Everything looks very healthy though. It will have no affect on the baby after birth.

I went from never feeling this child kick to kicking all the time. Its really fun to feel. Its usually pretty active in the mornings (early in the mornings), sometime in the afternoon, and then after 6 or 7 at night. Should be an interesting sleep schedule once they are born.

Mommy:A picture on our trip to St. Louis (our pre baby bash). 22 weeks pregnant

I am doing pretty good. YES, the morning sickness is past, it was never really there actually (I think that is the most common question I get). I am definetely showing. I haven't had any strangers come and say any yet. However, several aquantances who may or may not of known have said things. Its becoming harder to get in and out of chairs and pick things up. Tony says I'm begining to wadle a bit (there is actually a medical reason behind that). The worst part about pregnancy....swollen everything. I have a lovely $8 ring on my finger and I have boxed up my beautiful diamond. I am also getting in the habit of propping my feet at night to get the nasty fluid off of them. Sometimes I really wonder if any more baby can fit inside of me.

Daddy:

Tony cooking steaks for his 21st Birthday. The grill was his birthday gift!

Tony is doing very well. He was playing w/ an 18 month old the other day and came back to announce that he could not wait to be a dad. I've asked him if he's scared and he says, suprisingly enough NO. I wish I could be as confindent. He enjoys feeling the baby kick. He was been very supportive and loving, as he unfortunatly takes most of the brunt of my mood swings. I told him to make sure that no one ever told him he wasn't doing enough for me...because he has gone above and beyond.

Tony with the hippos on our trip the St. Louis Zoo. We went in order to have one last get away before the baby come. I was definitely a fun and memorable experience.

Enjoying the hippos.

Life Updates:
We are moving in a week and a half. WooHoo! It will be down one building. Then we can get our crib (which we haven't seen) and changing table. I can't wait to get those ready for the baby. My nesting skills are in full force, so it will be fun to unleash them. We are also starting a garden soon.

Life until the baby arrives promises to be very busy. I start my internship around the same time we move. I'm also taking two courses and work 30 hours a week. I finish most of that by the end of July and hope to have a good week to rest before the baby comes. Tony is currently finishing up a semester of classes. He will begin roofing soon and is also looking for a second job. On top of that we have several weddings, my nephew is coming in June, and many other little things to accomplish. I'm hoping that keeping busy will keep me positive.

Together at the Missouri Botanical Gardens. My feet were dead by this point but it was definitely worth it.

Pregnancy Update: 17 Weeks

So a friend says I need to update my blog. I totally agreed, but had no clue what to update it with. At her very wise suggestion I decided a pregnancy update. Usually how is the pregnancy going is the first question out of anybody's mouth who has not seen me with in the last 5 days. In some ways that is such a funny question to me because I can't see or tell how the baby is doing from appointment to appointment. I just know how my body is changing from week to week. I figure my belly is getting bigger so the baby must be fine. So I guess I will try my best to answer all those pressing questions in this blog.

How is baby doing:

Things seem to be good. The heart beat has dropped from 166 to 150 beats per minute within two months. Its amazing to me that it can change so quickly. It has quit a ways to drop still. We think this is one ornery child because every time they try and get the heart beat he/she likes to move around. They (my doctor or the technician) are always saying "that little stinker".

We have decided to go with an "ABC" themed room. We are not going to go crazy with matching bed spread and everything but our very white apartment needs a little color in it. That is very exciting. We have been given a crib and already have my great grandfathers rocking chair. I would like to get a dresser or a changing table but that is not a necessity. Tony and I are planning on moving into our apartment in May. Its basically the same size apartment with the same layout...just one more bedroom. It will be in the same complex though, so moving shouldn't be too difficult.

Our big ultra sound is in three weeks. However, we won't be finding out the sex of the baby. To me there has been something amazing and unexplainable to pray for a healthy baby. I don't have to worry about any preconceptions or being disappointed with the sex. I just get to enjoy my growing tummy (I actually don't mind it too much). I think I would have my child's entire future planned out if I knew what it was. I'm so excited to hold them in my arms for the first time and just love them.

How am I doing:
I am doing pretty good. I feels like I have doubled my belly size in the last week. I'm kicking myself because I didn't think about measuring my belly from the beginning. I am going to start that this week. Tony and I have a calender that we are putting monthly pregnancy pictures in. I've also been writing down what the baby's heart beat was and anything else significant (such as when we got presents or other important family dates). It has been fun to keep track of.

Everybody asks what I have been craving. Well, the big thing is orange juice. I was never a huge fan of it before I got pregnant and now I can't get enough of the stuff. Another thing is spaghetti. I think I would eat it three times a week if Tony wouldn't get annoyed with it. I loved that meal anyways but now it has expounded. Yogurt is another one. That craving isn't as prominate but I do a yogurt every day for lunch and boy is it good. My taste buds have changed a bit. I don't like anything that has a really sharp taste...such as pepper jack cheese.

I think I might be feeling the baby kick but I'm unsure. Every once in awhile I feel like I can feel my pulse in my stomach....Tony and I think that might be the baby. I can't wait till we can both feel him/her.

How is Tony doing:

Tony is wonderful. He is so excited to be a dad. I love watching his face when he rubs his hand slightly across my belly or someone talks about the baby. He is going to be such an amazing Dad. He is excited to finally feel the baby move...hopefully some day soon. He has been busy getting the paper work ready for us to do and going over our budget w/ a fine toothed comb. :) He is hoping our kids have my curly hair. God has really blessed me with an amazing husband

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So that is the update on our life and how the baby is doing. We are excited as spring comes, with summer soon to follow.