Recently I have gotten several comments from people thanking me for my blog and how encouraging it has been for them. It got me thinking about how honest I am being on here. While I'm not lying there are certain things I don't think I talk about very often. Many times I am talking about relying on God and trusting him but I don't talk about the days where I don't like God. I also don't talk about my doubts, my fears, my loneliness. So I wanted to right a post to talk about the truth of my days.
There are many reasons I haven't wanted to talk about this. Part of it is that up until recently I was handling things fine, but life changes. Part of it is that I don't want to "complain". So many people are going through such harder things than I am and how do I have a right to complain. And part of it is trying to keep a right balance between what I feel can be shared and what needs to remain private. However, I feel that I'm at a point where I need to be honest about the every day trials.
Tony and I have discovered over the last several months a twist to our story....a twist that wasn't suppose to happen. It is something that at this time I don't feel I can discuss what it is, but it has changed life. It has changed me, at my very core, into someone I don't like. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a monster in my mind. Parts of me are angry and upset over the most idiotic things and my other side of my head is telling me how absolutely ridiculous I'm being. It makes me feel rather lonely also. Needless to say, it makes life.....hard.
Because of this twist along w/ everything else that was going on I feel I don't think logically anymore. There are days when I just look at God and tell him I'M DONE! I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with it all. And that's how I feel, like giving up, like hiding in a cave. I'm sick of putting on the happy face for others when inside everything is bursting, every emotion is heightened.
Last, night I had a discussion with Tony about adopting a baby. Many people assume that is the path we are going to go down. However, both Tony and I feel we are being called to a child (or children) that is between 0 and 4. We won't pursue a baby but we wouldn't turn one down either, if we are offered on. Last night though my whole being wanted a baby. My husband was gracious enough to "talk about it". By the end of the conversation I was back to my reasonable thinking that if we were to actually pursue (especially when neither of us feel this is what we are being called to) a newborn that it would just end in heartache, disappointed, and our children feeling inadequate. But it was hard to admit and still is. It breaks my heart.
Another thing I struggle with is what people say. We had a conversation with a person who had three children. He was talking about how he really hadn't wanted his last one, but that last one came anyway. He went on to say several other things like God had other plans and she was an answer to pray for his wife. The conversation broke my heart. However, I hear these conversations all the time. "I really didn't want this one." "I hate being pregnant." "I'm so glad we are going to be done after this one." "We better get a boy this time." It tears at my heart every time because part of me will probably always want to be pregnant again (and I didn't even enjoy it that much).
Side Note: This is not ment to be a discussion based on views of the number of children a family should have. Tony and I have our own opinions on the matter. It is simply to give an example of the MANY conversations I have with others. I understand his position and many others. However, not being able to have another child myself is what makes these converstations hard, even if I completely understand the other persons point of view.
I'm learning (daily) to turn things over to God, but that doesn't make every day easier. So, if you read this blog and think "she is so strong", think again. Life is not easy. Our Family Life Pastor, Len, talked about when life hits its break points. You can listen to his sermon here. He talks about the times that you feel like you are holding on by just your finger tips. Well, I'm there, daily.
I'm not looking for sympathy in this post.....I just want those of you who are also struggling w/ many things in life to not get the wrong impression that I've got it all put together. Many times I question God and I want to give up. I'm learning to trust in him fully for his glory, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.