I've have begun to realize the daily battle between what my heart feels and what my head is trying to tell me. I have talked about how hurtful it can be to listen to somethings others say. (You can read that here and here.) The battle ces in because many times I completely understand where they are coming from. I may not always agree where people are coming from my head logically understands their point of view. I also understand why they ask the questions they do becuase they are questions I've asked unknowingly.
However, my heart tells a different stories. It can hurt many times by others words. I know that person is not meaning to do this, but it just happens. Part of it is probably a bit of jealousy and longing. Becuase they are having converstations and thinking things that I never be able to think. They are expirencing things that will never again be able to expirence.
I constantly feel like two people. My head is saying "its ok", "I understand", "well, that makes perfect since." While my heart longs for something it will never have. However, even if they said and did everything perfectly that whole would still be there. That is because that whole will never be filled by the most sensitive, caring, and understanding person. That whole can only be filled by God!
Many days I forget that. Many days I feel like I need to fill that whole by blogging, journalling, avoiding the hurt, reading others stories. While those are not necessarily bad things they will never get my to the point I want to be. They won't allow me to be the best mommy I can be or the best wife for my hubby. And they won't help prepare my heart for adoption. They may be tools God uses but it is still Him.
I'm realizing God has a different story for everyone. God puts them in those stories for various reasons. I don't know if I could ever handle loosing a spouse or a child. I don't know if I could ever face the fact that I won't be around to face my daughter. However, God has chosen this family to see the mirical of adoption. He has chosen us to put our whole selves into it (which is probably a completely different blog all together). And for that I am thankful. While yes there are daily struggles Tony and I can't believe the miricals and the joys (and even the trials and heartaches) that God will give us the privilage to see.