Getting Real: That Baby I "Should" Have

If you know our family or you've been on our blog for several years then you most likely know our past.  However, if you are new around here, then you might not know our history.  Within hours of Addilece's birth I was taken into emergency surgery for D&C that led to an emergency hysterectomy.  I was hemorrhaging and it saved my life.  You can read more of that story here.

We were 21 years old.  It was not only a shock to our system but to many others, as well.  A young couple, just starting their family and suddenly they're unable to have the children they have been dreaming and hoping for all their lives.

When we talked about adoption and went into foster care my heart hoped for a baby.  I'm thankful for a husband that through that time didn't shoot down that notion but also reminded me that God would place the children he desired into our home.  We were licensed 0 to 10 and while a part of me still hoped for a baby to adopt I knew deep down, that wasn't were God was leading us. We were suppose to foster older kids, which was quickly confirmed with a call that included two 2 (almost 3) year olds as the youngest children.

However, that elusive baby that we should have, we still have many people pushing for it.  They are well meaning, caring people.  It's still hard to wrap their minds around a young couple, who aren't able to have what they "want" (or rather what we used to want).  I love that people are so supportive.  However, God choosing not to give us an infant is not because God is denying us anything. 

Is a baby what will fill our family?  Make it complete?  No.  Only God can fill and complete our family.  A baby, placed in our family by my own desire and not God's, would be harmful.  Us seeking to fill our hearts on our own only creates hurt.  God must be the one to fill our hearts.  Each child he places in our home, regardless of age, is placed their for a reason.  It would be easy to justify the pursuit of a baby.  Many people would support and even encourage it.  However, without God as the center of that decision (which he is not right now), it would mean putting a burden to fill a need on a child, rather then on God.

I'm pretty sure we will never get a baby.  It's just not where God has placed us.  Would I like one? Yes.  Do I need one? No.  It's not what completes me or fills me.

Taking Time to Look Back

Addilece's birthday brings about a mixed bag of emotions for Tony and myself.  We are beyond thrilled to have a child who is a year older.  We feel so blessed to be her parents.  However, it also brings memories filled with a whole range of emotion as we relive the hours and days after our child's birth.  Things like the sinking feeling as I sat on the hospital bed, having just been cleaned up, to feel more blood (an abnormal amount of blood) gush out onto my pad and even my bed.  Holding my new baby girl's picture in ICU realizing I had been apart from her longer than I had been with her.  How glorious that turkey sandwich tasted after going with out food for so long.  Sending our child to the nursery so we could pray and cry together, just be together.  Having our Pastor and his wife pray over us.  Taking a shower.  Walking.  Good and bad, they all come back to me. 

Addilece's birthday fell on a Sunday this year.  So, when one of our friends asked about it being her birthday I asked him, "Can you believe it's been two years?"  He said, "I can't. I remember it well.  We were really praying for you guys."  I don't think I will ever forget the look on his face.  How grateful I am for him and his wife.  I'm grateful because I know there are a few out there like them who haven't forgotten.  They were walking right beside us back then and continue to walk beside us now. 

Looking back, remembering all of these things, connecting in a unique way with people who are so dear to us, allows me to see the journey God has had us on.  He given us a passion to help the hurting and lost deeper than I could ever imagined.  We are less focused on ourselves and see God's bigger picture for our lives.  We have learned to grieve while resting in God's reassurance and blessings.  Our faith has grown as we see God's sovereignty play out in our lives. 

I would love to hold another newborn in my arms again.  I would love to discuss who they look like "mommy or daddy".  But never at the expense of where we are now.  God has us on this amazing journey, first into adoption world, and now into the foster care world.  He is opening our eyes to His heart.  I could never give any of that up.  I know God's heart and purpose is so much greater than anything I could ever fathom.

This song, Blessings by Laura Story, is a great summary of what these last two years have been to us.

Another Day, Another Step

I went to the OBGYN today for my yearly check-up.  I've been 3 other times since Addilece's birth (minus the initial post baby checks).  For the first time it was REALLY hard.  Seeing the other pregnant women.  Again realizing that if I had it my way I would be caring another little on right now.  Realizing for the first time that I (with no other complications) would only be seeing this doctor once a year.  That was rather hard to swallow, seeing that I went to her in the first place because I was pregnant and wanted her to deliver my baby.

There isn't really a "lesson" or a "point" to this post.  I just felt like sharing another step, another thing that I didn't realize would take me by surprise, another change.  Thanks for letting me share.  Sometimes its good to have another outlet that isn't my sweet husband.  I think I break his poor heart too much.

Wisdom from Those Who Have Been There

While browsing some of my favorite blogs I can across a post from Jessica at Life As A Mom .  She has dealt with her own season of infertility after the birth of her first child.  She is now a mom of six.  I love reading her posts that deal with the practical side of the everyday life of a mom.  Here was some advice she gave to others who have friends dealing with infertility and loss:

1. Realize you can’t make it better.


As much as we want to heal our friend, bring back the heartbeat, change the diagnosis, we can’t. Only God really knows the whys and wherefores. And nothing we can do or say will change the harsh reality that a baby has been lost.
2. Listen.

It really helped me to be able to tell my story. I’m thankful for the girlfriends who didn’t mind hearing the gory details. They listened as I processed. They asked questions. They tried to make sense along with me of this wild experience that women have walked through together for eons.
3. Provide practical help.

Whether it is physical incapacity or mental strain, it can be hard to focus on household chores and meals when one is mourning the loss of a baby. Offer to bring a meal, either homemade or a take-out pizza or their favorite Chinese. Something as simple as organizing the freezer so mom and the family knows what’s available can be a great help. Offer to do laundry, watch kids, just hang out.

No, these things aren’t going to make it better. But, they do help ease the journey.
4. Watch your words.

Ouch. That one stings, doesn’t it? I am probably not the one to give advice in this department because I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth. On the other hand, I did hear some of the wildest things during my miscarriages that the speakers probably never intended to hurt me.

• There was probably something wrong with the baby.
• Well, you can’t afford a baby right now, anyway.
• It’s better this way.

These aren’t always the most helpful of words. I would have taken those babies in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.

Less is more in many instances. And sometime a shoulder to cry on is more valuable than a well-meaning platitude. But don’t be afraid to reach out. Just do it wisely and slowly.
Try to communicate:

• I love you.
• I’m sad with you.
• I want to walk through this with you.

I don’t think there is a “right way” to console a grieving friend.You know your friend better than I do. But, as I look over the years, I realize these are the things that helped ease the pain a little bit.
God has done the rest.
Whether it is physical incapacity or mental strain, it can be hard to focus on household chores and meals when one is mourning the loss of a baby. Offer to bring a meal, either homemade or a take-out pizza or their favorite Chinese. Something as simple as organizing the freezer so mom and the family knows what’s available can be a great help. Offer to do laundry, watch kids, just hang out.
No, these things aren’t going to make it better. But, they do help ease the journey.

Heart vs. Head

I've have begun to realize the daily battle between what my heart feels and what my head is trying to tell me.  I have talked about how hurtful it can be to listen to somethings others say.  (You can read that here and here.)  The battle ces in because many times I completely understand where they are coming from.  I may not always agree where people are coming from my head logically understands their point of view.  I also understand why they ask the questions they do becuase they are questions I've asked unknowingly.

However, my heart tells a different stories.  It can hurt many times by others words.  I know that person is not meaning to do this, but it just happens.  Part of it is probably a bit of jealousy and longing.  Becuase they are having converstations and thinking things that I never be able to think.  They are expirencing things that will never again be able to expirence. 

I constantly feel like two people.  My head is saying "its ok", "I understand", "well, that makes perfect since." While my heart longs for something it will never have.  However, even if they said and did everything perfectly that whole would still be there.  That is because that whole will never be filled by the most sensitive, caring, and understanding person.  That whole can only be filled by God! 

Many days I forget that.  Many days I feel like I need to fill that whole by blogging, journalling, avoiding the hurt, reading others stories.  While those are not necessarily bad things they will never get my to the point I want to be.  They won't allow me to be the best mommy I can be or the best wife for my hubby.  And they won't help prepare my heart for adoption.  They may be tools God uses but it is still Him.

I'm realizing God has a different story for everyone.  God puts them in those stories for various reasons.  I don't know if I could ever handle loosing a spouse or a child.  I don't know if I could ever face the fact that I won't be around to face my daughter.  However, God has chosen this family to see the mirical of adoption.  He has chosen us to put our whole selves into it (which is probably a completely different blog all together).  And for that I am thankful.  While yes there are daily struggles Tony and I can't believe the miricals and the joys (and even the trials and heartaches) that God will give us the privilage to see.

The Every Day Battle

Recently I have gotten several comments from people thanking me for my blog and how encouraging it has been for them. It got me thinking about how honest I am being on here. While I'm not lying there are certain things I don't think I talk about very often. Many times I am talking about relying on God and trusting him but I don't talk about the days where I don't like God. I also don't talk about my doubts, my fears, my loneliness. So I wanted to right a post to talk about the truth of my days.

There are many reasons I haven't wanted to talk about this. Part of it is that up until recently I was handling things fine, but life changes. Part of it is that I don't want to "complain". So many people are going through such harder things than I am and how do I have a right to complain. And part of it is trying to keep a right balance between what I feel can be shared and what needs to remain private. However, I feel that I'm at a point where I need to be honest about the every day trials.

Tony and I have discovered over the last several months a twist to our story....a twist that wasn't suppose to happen. It is something that at this time I don't feel I can discuss what it is, but it has changed life. It has changed me, at my very core, into someone I don't like. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a monster in my mind. Parts of me are angry and upset over the most idiotic things and my other side of my head is telling me how absolutely ridiculous I'm being. It makes me feel rather lonely also. Needless to say, it makes life.....hard.

Because of this twist along w/ everything else that was going on I feel I don't think logically anymore. There are days when I just look at God and tell him I'M DONE! I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with it all. And that's how I feel, like giving up, like hiding in a cave. I'm sick of putting on the happy face for others when inside everything is bursting, every emotion is heightened.

Last, night I had a discussion with Tony about adopting a baby. Many people assume that is the path we are going to go down. However, both Tony and I feel we are being called to a child (or children) that is between 0 and 4. We won't pursue a baby but we wouldn't turn one down either, if we are offered on. Last night though my whole being wanted a baby. My husband was gracious enough to "talk about it". By the end of the conversation I was back to my reasonable thinking that if we were to actually pursue (especially when neither of us feel this is what we are being called to) a newborn that it would just end in heartache, disappointed, and our children feeling inadequate. But it was hard to admit and still is. It breaks my heart.

Another thing I struggle with is what people say. We had a conversation with a person who had three children. He was talking about how he really hadn't wanted his last one, but that last one came anyway. He went on to say several other things like God had other plans and she was an answer to pray for his wife. The conversation broke my heart. However, I hear these conversations all the time. "I really didn't want this one." "I hate being pregnant." "I'm so glad we are going to be done after this one." "We better get a boy this time." It tears at my heart every time because part of me will probably always want to be pregnant again (and I didn't even enjoy it that much).

Side Note: This is not ment to be a discussion based on views of the number of children a family should have.  Tony and I have our own opinions on the matter.  It is simply to give an example of the MANY conversations I have with others.  I understand his position and many others.  However, not being able to have another child myself is what makes these converstations hard, even if I completely understand the other persons point of view.

I'm learning (daily) to turn things over to God, but that doesn't make every day easier. So, if you read this blog and think "she is so strong", think again. Life is not easy. Our Family Life Pastor, Len, talked about when life hits its break points. You can listen to his sermon here. He talks about the times that you feel like you are holding on by just your finger tips. Well, I'm there, daily.

I'm not looking for sympathy in this post.....I just want those of you who are also struggling w/ many things in life to not get the wrong impression that I've got it all put together. Many times I question God and I want to give up. I'm learning to trust in him fully for his glory, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Questions

I have so many updates I would like to put on here....a cute picture from the fourth, a funny video of Addilece. But our Internet connection hasn't been completely set up on this computer so I can not upload any of that.

I know that the questions are coming. Addilece is almost one and before long people will start wonder when we are going to have another one. In my mind I have all the right answers. Answers that are smooth and articulate. Ones that allow them to press on if they like but quickly diffuse the situation. However, when people ask it takes my breath away and my mind goes blank and I start to stutter and stumble. This can even happen with a simple question such as "Is this your only one?" I don't want people to feel sorry or awkward or embarrassed. I don't mind being real but many everyday people don't want "real".

And questions from Addilece.....I know those will eventually come. How do I explain to my little girl that mommy and daddy aren't going to have a baby from their tummy but a baby (actually probably not even a baby....a CHILD) from another mommy and daddy. Hmmm.... I'm sure she will accept this better then most and be an amazing big sis.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Everyday people get common questions that completely throw them for a loop whether it involves the loss of a child, spouse, infertility, a child who is disabled, or many other things. How do they deal with it? How do they answer the questions that make them stutter and stumble and take their breath away? How do you?

Praising God in the Storm

     Pain, hurt, sadness, confusion.  Those words have come to my mind over and over again over the past six months.  When I had my hysterectomy and I felt (to me) like I had lost everything I knew I wasn't alone.  I knew others had stories, I had heard some of them.  What I didn't know is how God would open my eyes and my heart to those stories. 
     For the past six months I feel like I have "accidently" come across story after story of those who have lost a child, couples dealing with infertility, families dealing with a sick or disable child, etc.  Many of these stories are just as sad, if not more sad, then mine.  They are filled with the deepest levels of despair.   I'm discovering the deep connection that loss and suffering has. 
    Even as I write this my page is on one of these sad stories.  On the playlist playing in the background of this blog is "I will Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns.  These "accendental" run ins have been such a source of hope and encouragement.  Each one of these amazing woman/families have seen God through it all.  While they admit it is hard they also choose to focus on him.  They find their hope in him.  They find their joy in him.  I pray that our story is the same as so many others.  I pray that God is glorified through it all.
     I thank God for bring story after story to me.  I thank God for those of you who have been so willing and open to share.  God is using you.  I praise God for those who have been open and honest on their blogs about their hurt and struggle and what God has done with it.  Many of them pray that God will use them.  They will probably not know until heaven, but they have been used. 

Here are a few of the words to "I Will Praise You in This Storm".  This is so dear to my heart.  Lord, I choose to praise you!!!

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone how can I carry on

if I can't find You

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Greiving the Loss of Something Never Had

A recent picture of my cutie...she has learned to hold her head up. In the past week has started to become more stable and hold it up for longer periods of time.

Tony and I feel that ever since the hysterectomy we have been grieving the loss of something we never actually had. Many things we never actually had. It feels like we are saying goodbye to four wonderful children. We are saying good bye to children we will never know or see.

We have also had to say good bye to many dreams that we had. Tony really was looking forward to having a boy. I was too, but not in the same since as him. Wrestling on the floor, playing and coaching sports teams, crawling under the kitchen sink to fix a leaking pipe. I looked forward to watching me sons walk in their father's foot steps...and want to be "just like him". Please, don't get me wrong. Tony and I have many hopes and dreams with Addilece. There are many things we are looking forward to doing with her...these are just some of the dreams we are learning to give up. I grieve for my husband...as I feel at times his loss is harder than mine.

I grieve so many weird and little things. The hustle and bustle of a house full of kids, teaching our daughter how to become and good big sister, her going w/ Daddy to pick out the coming home outfit (and adding a new child to that tradition every time), taking my little guys on mother/son dates, watching my kids learn from each other, ...oh the list could go on forever. It feels like I am constantly being reminded of that loss...whether its the mom w/ the many kids at the grocery store or Tony and I talking about a child hood memory or someone asking "is this your first". I also know that there will be other times that it hits such as Addilece's first birth day, first day of school, first everything (we will only have some of those first once) or when I get to hold a newborn niece or nephew. I'm very sure this grieving process will never end.

Some of these hopes and dreams we will probably experience someday. I will never hold my own newborn...but I do hope to hold my child. I will never have a son who looks just like his father....but I do hope to have a son who will play sports and fix things with daddy. I'm looking forward to the hustle and bustle of a house that has a rainbow of kids in it.

However, I had to smile the other day. As I walked down the isle at Walmart I noticed a mother with her two kids. The little girl was obviously adopted, possibly a Guatemalan Princess-knowing how many kids in this community are from there. I was amazed at how different her and her brother looked but yet how they seemed no different then any other siblings. I wanted to go up and ask that mother a million questions. I've been learning that God has blessed me with a unique gift....I get to love the fatherless. I will have the privilage of showing my daughter his gift of salvation in a very real way...as we prepare her for not the birth of a sibling but the homecoming of a sibling.

I have also been learning that even though I had plans, God had greater plans. I know that some of the things I do for my daughter now will be better for her in the future...even though she may not be thrilled with them (she would rather be held all day to sleep and not be put down). That is a beautiful reminder to me that God is doing things and Tony and my life now that I might not understand or like, but are better for us in the end. Grieving is painful but I find peace in God. I know I must seek Him daily for that, and somedays I just can't bring myself to except that peace. I know though that He has wrapped me in His arms and is holding me tight through the process.

I just wanted to clarify why I am blogging all of this. There are several reasons behind it. First, our Pastor encouraged us to journal...this is my way of doing that. Second, I deal will things by talking about them, I have done a lot of that with people I love. However, this is another way for me to talk about it. Last, I know that there are a lot of people out there reading this who understand what I'm going through for one reason or another. It is encouraging to know they are reading this.

Arms Open to God

In the last week and a half I have had a roller coaster of emotions. After the surgery I knew that I was not going to have anymore children but it didn't hit. The full realization of what that meant had not touched me. In fact, the first time I showed any emtions to it is was when I was waiting for my blood to be drawn. I thought I was going back upstairs at 3. At 3:30 we found out that they first had to draw my blood and wait for the test to come back. That could take an hour. I was thinking "I have already missed so much of my child's life and now because someone is not doing their job I will miss even more of it." I didn't want to miss a single minute of her life.

The next time I really felt anything was Sunday night. We had a packed day of visitors and as I sat there and breastfed my beautiful daughter in my very quiet room I just started to cry. I began to tell her how desperetaly I loved her. I told her how very special she was to both her Daddy and myself. And then I told her that her daddy and I would always lover her, no matter what. She could not do anything to hurt that love. I let her know that just because we knew she would be our only biological child does not meant that she had any special obligations or expectations to live up to. Tony walked in on my crying.

After we let our last visitors go for the night tony and I took Addilece to the nursery and came back to talk. We poured out our sorrow to God and to each other. We held each other as we shed deep tears of saddness.

Tony and I will never know why God let this happen. We know we live in a sinful world and our bodies suffar from that sin. This is just part of that. We don't think God "caused" this. We know he could of stopped it but that wasn't his plan or will. God took our lives and chaged them drastically within a few hours.

My instincts tell me to take my daughter and hold very close, as close as I can get her. I want to protect her from everything. I want to make sure we pour all our time and energy in to her. But as Tony and I talked we both realized that doing that will not bring about the best results for our daughter. We want her to become a Godly woman, and raising her that way will probably not bring that about. We also realized that God has given her to us temporarly and as a gift. I asked Tony, "If God decided to take her tommorrow could we let her go?" Both of realized that we did not ever want to give her up, but that if God asked for her back then we had to give her back. As Tony and I prayed that night he said "God wether she is ours for 18 years or 5 minutes, we want to raise her your way."

That night Tony and I took our arms and offered our daughter back to God. I hope that God grants us the 18 years. I know that if he doesn't, that he will give me the grace to get through it. I know that he has wrapped his arms around her and is hold her close to him. In God's grace and protection is the safest place for Addilece. Tony and I can not protect her the way our Heavenly Father can.

Tony and I will be offically giving Addilece back to the Lord on August 31st. We will be doing this in front our church for accountability and encouragement. Part of me is screaming that this is a stupid idea. I keep thinking "do you realize what you are committing to? Do you know you are giving God the ability to take her away?" I have to remind myself that God can choose to take her wether I do this or not. My attitude towards it will make the difference in how I raise her and my ability to cope with it.

We have also realized that we will daily need to remind ourselves of this. I know I'm going to draw lines with God. "You can have her here, but there is no way I am giving her up here." We know that we need an accountablity system. We are praying that God will develop a network of people to help us stay on the Godly track of raising our daughter.

While in the hospital we had a friend come in who has struggled with her son for many monthes. Her and her husband have dealt with many things since the begining of their marriage. She gave me a set of notecards to write Bible verses on. She also included some of the most meaningful ones to her. Here is one of those verses:

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. wait on the Lord; he of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Psalm 27: 13-14