For me this is not going to be an easy blog to articulate. I'm probably going to just blurt it all out and hope it makes since. Lately as I have been hearing a common theme run through many random different sources. Each time I hear it I get a little heart tug and conviction. Finally, after a friend posted an amazing blog about her families journey to Mexico I figured I had better start listening to God.
Over and over again I keep hearing that "its not about me". I know, that's kinda a "duh" thing. I think that for me personally I like to say that alot. It's not about me, it's about God. We need to do it for God, not for ourselves. However, when I look at my heart, truely look at it, I don't see that.
Ok yes, I daily strive to keep my marriage and being a mom and ministry focused on God. However, I'm talking deeper then that. I'm talking about hopes and dreams. I'm talking about the picture I have of my future. I have had to ask myself a lot in the last few days if I am truely putting those on God or if I'm focusing on me. I find a lot myself focused on me.
When the hysterectomy happened I saw God take a lot of my life and shake it. Shake it hard. My hopes and my dreams for my life got twisted and turned. I have been greiving the loss of so many simple things like my family photo (if you want me to explain that more throughly let me know). When that happened Tony and myself took our dreams for our family, the vision we had of it, and turned it over to God. We told God that he needed to recreate the vision for us. He is using some amazing people and circumstances to halp prepare us for the future we have in adoption.
Because many dreams died that night in the hospital I have found myself clinging to what is left. I have told God, no you have taken enough, you may have no more. Of course when you try and tell God what to do you are typically in for a rude awakening.
I used to see life w/ five beautiful, blue eyed, clury hair, white children. I knew we would adopt and I was EXCITED about that. However, my vision never went much beyond that 5th child. I couldn't get the picture to extend beyond that. Adoption was a shelfed item for at least the next 10 years, so why fret over countries and skin color and eye color right now. I would enjoy my "picture perfect" family first.
As God grows my heart for adoption (I thought I had a big heart for adoption....boy was I ever wrong) I'm beginning to see HIS vision for our lives. It is such a beautiful thing when God's vision replaces ours. Its rarely easy but its always right and it fills you with hope. I am seeing God make Tony and my hearts open up to the possiblities of life.
However, as He is opening my heart I find those things I'm trying to keep "safe" and "protected" and "normal" being brought before me. I find God pulling out ideas like "empty nest" and "retirement" and "a nice home" and "decent cars" and "vacation" and "living comfortably" and "trust funds" and (well you get the idea) . He is slowly saying, "Will you give up your empty nest to raise a child w/ a disability". Or "can you forgo an up grade to the home so you can bring home one more child or support others who do." Or "Is nice vacations so important to you that you won't expand your heart just a little further to help a little more." And I find myself saying to each one of these, "God I'll do anything but don't ask me to give that up just quit yet." Soon my list of "not yets" has grown rather long.
Heart change is hard. It is painful and stretching. Sometimes I wish I could go pack to that silly land of bliss with so five children. But then I look around at my hearting world so full of the "least of these" and I just laugh. That world of bliss is not where God is. It is silly. Silly to think that I would of truely been happy there.
I'm so thankful for my amazing husband (yes this ties in) who is light years ahead of my on this. He was injured in high school and his football dreams were stripped away. If you've never heard about Tony's shoulder injury and football and the life changing expirence that took place you have to ask him. Anyway after me spilling my guts out to him while he had a goofy knowing smile I made the deciosion that it was only fair to let God have all my hopes and dreams. I'm still not ok thinking of some of the things that we may have to give up. I'm not totally ok going with out all the comforts we think we deserve but I serve a GREAT God. He is filling my holes. He taking my broken, silly, and worthless dreams and making them his own. At times it is not fun but I know in the end God will get the glory and that is what is worth it!