Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Heart vs. Head

I've have begun to realize the daily battle between what my heart feels and what my head is trying to tell me.  I have talked about how hurtful it can be to listen to somethings others say.  (You can read that here and here.)  The battle ces in because many times I completely understand where they are coming from.  I may not always agree where people are coming from my head logically understands their point of view.  I also understand why they ask the questions they do becuase they are questions I've asked unknowingly.

However, my heart tells a different stories.  It can hurt many times by others words.  I know that person is not meaning to do this, but it just happens.  Part of it is probably a bit of jealousy and longing.  Becuase they are having converstations and thinking things that I never be able to think.  They are expirencing things that will never again be able to expirence. 

I constantly feel like two people.  My head is saying "its ok", "I understand", "well, that makes perfect since." While my heart longs for something it will never have.  However, even if they said and did everything perfectly that whole would still be there.  That is because that whole will never be filled by the most sensitive, caring, and understanding person.  That whole can only be filled by God! 

Many days I forget that.  Many days I feel like I need to fill that whole by blogging, journalling, avoiding the hurt, reading others stories.  While those are not necessarily bad things they will never get my to the point I want to be.  They won't allow me to be the best mommy I can be or the best wife for my hubby.  And they won't help prepare my heart for adoption.  They may be tools God uses but it is still Him.

I'm realizing God has a different story for everyone.  God puts them in those stories for various reasons.  I don't know if I could ever handle loosing a spouse or a child.  I don't know if I could ever face the fact that I won't be around to face my daughter.  However, God has chosen this family to see the mirical of adoption.  He has chosen us to put our whole selves into it (which is probably a completely different blog all together).  And for that I am thankful.  While yes there are daily struggles Tony and I can't believe the miricals and the joys (and even the trials and heartaches) that God will give us the privilage to see.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Just a Sneak Peak

Here is a Sneak Peak of Sweet Pea's 1st Yr. pics.  The rest will be on Facebook after her birthday party tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Actions Speak Louder than Words

We were practicing Sweet Pea's words when suddenly........well, her actions spoke loud and clear!

I also wanted to throw in a stinkin cute picture from the 4th of July.  Sweet Pea LOVED the 4th, minus the firetrucks and gun shots.  She even loved the fireworks.  Its interesting because her mommy is rather skiddish around loud noises.  My parents would spend the 4th w/ their hands over my ears or inside or under a blanket (somehow that helped) when I was younger.  Even to this day I cover my ears during some of the fireworks.

The Every Day Battle

Recently I have gotten several comments from people thanking me for my blog and how encouraging it has been for them. It got me thinking about how honest I am being on here. While I'm not lying there are certain things I don't think I talk about very often. Many times I am talking about relying on God and trusting him but I don't talk about the days where I don't like God. I also don't talk about my doubts, my fears, my loneliness. So I wanted to right a post to talk about the truth of my days.

There are many reasons I haven't wanted to talk about this. Part of it is that up until recently I was handling things fine, but life changes. Part of it is that I don't want to "complain". So many people are going through such harder things than I am and how do I have a right to complain. And part of it is trying to keep a right balance between what I feel can be shared and what needs to remain private. However, I feel that I'm at a point where I need to be honest about the every day trials.

Tony and I have discovered over the last several months a twist to our story....a twist that wasn't suppose to happen. It is something that at this time I don't feel I can discuss what it is, but it has changed life. It has changed me, at my very core, into someone I don't like. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a monster in my mind. Parts of me are angry and upset over the most idiotic things and my other side of my head is telling me how absolutely ridiculous I'm being. It makes me feel rather lonely also. Needless to say, it makes life.....hard.

Because of this twist along w/ everything else that was going on I feel I don't think logically anymore. There are days when I just look at God and tell him I'M DONE! I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with it all. And that's how I feel, like giving up, like hiding in a cave. I'm sick of putting on the happy face for others when inside everything is bursting, every emotion is heightened.

Last, night I had a discussion with Tony about adopting a baby. Many people assume that is the path we are going to go down. However, both Tony and I feel we are being called to a child (or children) that is between 0 and 4. We won't pursue a baby but we wouldn't turn one down either, if we are offered on. Last night though my whole being wanted a baby. My husband was gracious enough to "talk about it". By the end of the conversation I was back to my reasonable thinking that if we were to actually pursue (especially when neither of us feel this is what we are being called to) a newborn that it would just end in heartache, disappointed, and our children feeling inadequate. But it was hard to admit and still is. It breaks my heart.

Another thing I struggle with is what people say. We had a conversation with a person who had three children. He was talking about how he really hadn't wanted his last one, but that last one came anyway. He went on to say several other things like God had other plans and she was an answer to pray for his wife. The conversation broke my heart. However, I hear these conversations all the time. "I really didn't want this one." "I hate being pregnant." "I'm so glad we are going to be done after this one." "We better get a boy this time." It tears at my heart every time because part of me will probably always want to be pregnant again (and I didn't even enjoy it that much).

Side Note: This is not ment to be a discussion based on views of the number of children a family should have.  Tony and I have our own opinions on the matter.  It is simply to give an example of the MANY conversations I have with others.  I understand his position and many others.  However, not being able to have another child myself is what makes these converstations hard, even if I completely understand the other persons point of view.

I'm learning (daily) to turn things over to God, but that doesn't make every day easier. So, if you read this blog and think "she is so strong", think again. Life is not easy. Our Family Life Pastor, Len, talked about when life hits its break points. You can listen to his sermon here. He talks about the times that you feel like you are holding on by just your finger tips. Well, I'm there, daily.

I'm not looking for sympathy in this post.....I just want those of you who are also struggling w/ many things in life to not get the wrong impression that I've got it all put together. Many times I question God and I want to give up. I'm learning to trust in him fully for his glory, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


I have so many updates I would like to put on here....a cute picture from the fourth, a funny video of Addilece. But our Internet connection hasn't been completely set up on this computer so I can not upload any of that.

I know that the questions are coming. Addilece is almost one and before long people will start wonder when we are going to have another one. In my mind I have all the right answers. Answers that are smooth and articulate. Ones that allow them to press on if they like but quickly diffuse the situation. However, when people ask it takes my breath away and my mind goes blank and I start to stutter and stumble. This can even happen with a simple question such as "Is this your only one?" I don't want people to feel sorry or awkward or embarrassed. I don't mind being real but many everyday people don't want "real".

And questions from Addilece.....I know those will eventually come. How do I explain to my little girl that mommy and daddy aren't going to have a baby from their tummy but a baby (actually probably not even a baby....a CHILD) from another mommy and daddy. Hmmm.... I'm sure she will accept this better then most and be an amazing big sis.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Everyday people get common questions that completely throw them for a loop whether it involves the loss of a child, spouse, infertility, a child who is disabled, or many other things. How do they deal with it? How do they answer the questions that make them stutter and stumble and take their breath away? How do you?