Greiving the Loss of Something Never Had

A recent picture of my cutie...she has learned to hold her head up. In the past week has started to become more stable and hold it up for longer periods of time.

Tony and I feel that ever since the hysterectomy we have been grieving the loss of something we never actually had. Many things we never actually had. It feels like we are saying goodbye to four wonderful children. We are saying good bye to children we will never know or see.

We have also had to say good bye to many dreams that we had. Tony really was looking forward to having a boy. I was too, but not in the same since as him. Wrestling on the floor, playing and coaching sports teams, crawling under the kitchen sink to fix a leaking pipe. I looked forward to watching me sons walk in their father's foot steps...and want to be "just like him". Please, don't get me wrong. Tony and I have many hopes and dreams with Addilece. There are many things we are looking forward to doing with her...these are just some of the dreams we are learning to give up. I grieve for my husband...as I feel at times his loss is harder than mine.

I grieve so many weird and little things. The hustle and bustle of a house full of kids, teaching our daughter how to become and good big sister, her going w/ Daddy to pick out the coming home outfit (and adding a new child to that tradition every time), taking my little guys on mother/son dates, watching my kids learn from each other, ...oh the list could go on forever. It feels like I am constantly being reminded of that loss...whether its the mom w/ the many kids at the grocery store or Tony and I talking about a child hood memory or someone asking "is this your first". I also know that there will be other times that it hits such as Addilece's first birth day, first day of school, first everything (we will only have some of those first once) or when I get to hold a newborn niece or nephew. I'm very sure this grieving process will never end.

Some of these hopes and dreams we will probably experience someday. I will never hold my own newborn...but I do hope to hold my child. I will never have a son who looks just like his father....but I do hope to have a son who will play sports and fix things with daddy. I'm looking forward to the hustle and bustle of a house that has a rainbow of kids in it.

However, I had to smile the other day. As I walked down the isle at Walmart I noticed a mother with her two kids. The little girl was obviously adopted, possibly a Guatemalan Princess-knowing how many kids in this community are from there. I was amazed at how different her and her brother looked but yet how they seemed no different then any other siblings. I wanted to go up and ask that mother a million questions. I've been learning that God has blessed me with a unique gift....I get to love the fatherless. I will have the privilage of showing my daughter his gift of salvation in a very real way...as we prepare her for not the birth of a sibling but the homecoming of a sibling.

I have also been learning that even though I had plans, God had greater plans. I know that some of the things I do for my daughter now will be better for her in the future...even though she may not be thrilled with them (she would rather be held all day to sleep and not be put down). That is a beautiful reminder to me that God is doing things and Tony and my life now that I might not understand or like, but are better for us in the end. Grieving is painful but I find peace in God. I know I must seek Him daily for that, and somedays I just can't bring myself to except that peace. I know though that He has wrapped me in His arms and is holding me tight through the process.

I just wanted to clarify why I am blogging all of this. There are several reasons behind it. First, our Pastor encouraged us to journal...this is my way of doing that. Second, I deal will things by talking about them, I have done a lot of that with people I love. However, this is another way for me to talk about it. Last, I know that there are a lot of people out there reading this who understand what I'm going through for one reason or another. It is encouraging to know they are reading this.