This blog post was orginally written just after we went through TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) with our kids (October 2013) and saved for a more appropriate time to share. It was written at a time when we were getting many "congratulations" and "oh that's great" from people. Yet, our hearts and our children's hearts where still very broken over what had just taken place.
"Will the kids keep their names?" "Can you send me Little Man's braids?"
She knew what was coming. That today would be the day that she lost the rights to her children.
A little over an hour later I saw her sit on the stand, tears rolling down her face, declaring her love for her children. As a mother my heart was ripped in two. I could only begin to imagine knowing that soon you were going to be told that you were loosing all rights to your children. Never to see them again, never to talk to them again. Just gone.
That day she was handed her greatest loss. She was told she would not get to hear her children say "Mommy" as they clamored onto her lap. She won't see her kids excitement as they tie their shoes for the first time. She won't giggle with them as she tickles their toes. She won't hold them when they cry. She won't sit in the ER for the first stitches or cheer as they round the plate to home for the first time.
Her greatest loss brings one of my greatest joy.
I will get to be the one to hear the "mommy"'s and have kids climbing on my lap. I get all the laughs, the giggles, the secret whispers, and the cries. There is so much of me that is filled with joy because of this. However, there is also a sadness and pain. I never want to forget those moments, as hard as they were to go through. I never want to forget the joy that was born out of deep loss. I never want to take for granted what it cost for me to be their mommy.
And if there is one thing I want my children to forever know about their birth mother, it is that she deeply loves them!