Actions Speak Louder than Words

We were practicing Sweet Pea's words when suddenly........well, her actions spoke loud and clear!

I also wanted to throw in a stinkin cute picture from the 4th of July.  Sweet Pea LOVED the 4th, minus the firetrucks and gun shots.  She even loved the fireworks.  Its interesting because her mommy is rather skiddish around loud noises.  My parents would spend the 4th w/ their hands over my ears or inside or under a blanket (somehow that helped) when I was younger.  Even to this day I cover my ears during some of the fireworks.

The Every Day Battle

Recently I have gotten several comments from people thanking me for my blog and how encouraging it has been for them. It got me thinking about how honest I am being on here. While I'm not lying there are certain things I don't think I talk about very often. Many times I am talking about relying on God and trusting him but I don't talk about the days where I don't like God. I also don't talk about my doubts, my fears, my loneliness. So I wanted to right a post to talk about the truth of my days.

There are many reasons I haven't wanted to talk about this. Part of it is that up until recently I was handling things fine, but life changes. Part of it is that I don't want to "complain". So many people are going through such harder things than I am and how do I have a right to complain. And part of it is trying to keep a right balance between what I feel can be shared and what needs to remain private. However, I feel that I'm at a point where I need to be honest about the every day trials.

Tony and I have discovered over the last several months a twist to our story....a twist that wasn't suppose to happen. It is something that at this time I don't feel I can discuss what it is, but it has changed life. It has changed me, at my very core, into someone I don't like. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a monster in my mind. Parts of me are angry and upset over the most idiotic things and my other side of my head is telling me how absolutely ridiculous I'm being. It makes me feel rather lonely also. Needless to say, it makes life.....hard.

Because of this twist along w/ everything else that was going on I feel I don't think logically anymore. There are days when I just look at God and tell him I'M DONE! I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with it all. And that's how I feel, like giving up, like hiding in a cave. I'm sick of putting on the happy face for others when inside everything is bursting, every emotion is heightened.

Last, night I had a discussion with Tony about adopting a baby. Many people assume that is the path we are going to go down. However, both Tony and I feel we are being called to a child (or children) that is between 0 and 4. We won't pursue a baby but we wouldn't turn one down either, if we are offered on. Last night though my whole being wanted a baby. My husband was gracious enough to "talk about it". By the end of the conversation I was back to my reasonable thinking that if we were to actually pursue (especially when neither of us feel this is what we are being called to) a newborn that it would just end in heartache, disappointed, and our children feeling inadequate. But it was hard to admit and still is. It breaks my heart.

Another thing I struggle with is what people say. We had a conversation with a person who had three children. He was talking about how he really hadn't wanted his last one, but that last one came anyway. He went on to say several other things like God had other plans and she was an answer to pray for his wife. The conversation broke my heart. However, I hear these conversations all the time. "I really didn't want this one." "I hate being pregnant." "I'm so glad we are going to be done after this one." "We better get a boy this time." It tears at my heart every time because part of me will probably always want to be pregnant again (and I didn't even enjoy it that much).

Side Note: This is not ment to be a discussion based on views of the number of children a family should have.  Tony and I have our own opinions on the matter.  It is simply to give an example of the MANY conversations I have with others.  I understand his position and many others.  However, not being able to have another child myself is what makes these converstations hard, even if I completely understand the other persons point of view.

I'm learning (daily) to turn things over to God, but that doesn't make every day easier. So, if you read this blog and think "she is so strong", think again. Life is not easy. Our Family Life Pastor, Len, talked about when life hits its break points. You can listen to his sermon here. He talks about the times that you feel like you are holding on by just your finger tips. Well, I'm there, daily.

I'm not looking for sympathy in this post.....I just want those of you who are also struggling w/ many things in life to not get the wrong impression that I've got it all put together. Many times I question God and I want to give up. I'm learning to trust in him fully for his glory, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Questions

I have so many updates I would like to put on here....a cute picture from the fourth, a funny video of Addilece. But our Internet connection hasn't been completely set up on this computer so I can not upload any of that.

I know that the questions are coming. Addilece is almost one and before long people will start wonder when we are going to have another one. In my mind I have all the right answers. Answers that are smooth and articulate. Ones that allow them to press on if they like but quickly diffuse the situation. However, when people ask it takes my breath away and my mind goes blank and I start to stutter and stumble. This can even happen with a simple question such as "Is this your only one?" I don't want people to feel sorry or awkward or embarrassed. I don't mind being real but many everyday people don't want "real".

And questions from Addilece.....I know those will eventually come. How do I explain to my little girl that mommy and daddy aren't going to have a baby from their tummy but a baby (actually probably not even a baby....a CHILD) from another mommy and daddy. Hmmm.... I'm sure she will accept this better then most and be an amazing big sis.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Everyday people get common questions that completely throw them for a loop whether it involves the loss of a child, spouse, infertility, a child who is disabled, or many other things. How do they deal with it? How do they answer the questions that make them stutter and stumble and take their breath away? How do you?

How Uncomfortable is Too Uncomfortable?

For me this is not going to be an easy blog to articulate. I'm probably going to just blurt it all out and hope it makes since. Lately as I have been hearing a common theme run through many random different sources. Each time I hear it I get a little heart tug and conviction. Finally, after a friend posted an amazing blog about her families journey to Mexico I figured I had better start listening to God.

Over and over again I keep hearing that "its not about me". I know, that's kinda a "duh" thing. I think that for me personally I like to say that alot. It's not about me, it's about God. We need to do it for God, not for ourselves. However, when I look at my heart, truely look at it, I don't see that.

Ok yes, I daily strive to keep my marriage and being a mom and ministry focused on God. However, I'm talking deeper then that. I'm talking about hopes and dreams. I'm talking about the picture I have of my future. I have had to ask myself a lot in the last few days if I am truely putting those on God or if I'm focusing on me. I find a lot myself focused on me.

When the hysterectomy happened I saw God take a lot of my life and shake it. Shake it hard. My hopes and my dreams for my life got twisted and turned. I have been greiving the loss of so many simple things like my family photo (if you want me to explain that more throughly let me know). When that happened Tony and myself took our dreams for our family, the vision we had of it, and turned it over to God. We told God that he needed to recreate the vision for us. He is using some amazing people and circumstances to halp prepare us for the future we have in adoption.

Because many dreams died that night in the hospital I have found myself clinging to what is left. I have told God, no you have taken enough, you may have no more. Of course when you try and tell God what to do you are typically in for a rude awakening.

I used to see life w/ five beautiful, blue eyed, clury hair, white children. I knew we would adopt and I was EXCITED about that. However, my vision never went much beyond that 5th child. I couldn't get the picture to extend beyond that. Adoption was a shelfed item for at least the next 10 years, so why fret over countries and skin color and eye color right now. I would enjoy my "picture perfect" family first.

As God grows my heart for adoption (I thought I had a big heart for adoption....boy was I ever wrong) I'm beginning to see HIS vision for our lives. It is such a beautiful thing when God's vision replaces ours. Its rarely easy but its always right and it fills you with hope. I am seeing God make Tony and my hearts open up to the possiblities of life.

However, as He is opening my heart I find those things I'm trying to keep "safe" and "protected" and "normal" being brought before me. I find God pulling out ideas like "empty nest" and "retirement" and "a nice home" and "decent cars" and "vacation" and "living comfortably" and "trust funds" and (well you get the idea) . He is slowly saying, "Will you give up your empty nest to raise a child w/ a disability". Or "can you forgo an up grade to the home so you can bring home one more child or support others who do." Or "Is nice vacations so important to you that you won't expand your heart just a little further to help a little more." And I find myself saying to each one of these, "God I'll do anything but don't ask me to give that up just quit yet." Soon my list of "not yets" has grown rather long.

Heart change is hard. It is painful and stretching. Sometimes I wish I could go pack to that silly land of bliss with so five children. But then I look around at my hearting world so full of the "least of these" and I just laugh. That world of bliss is not where God is. It is silly. Silly to think that I would of truely been happy there.

I'm so thankful for my amazing husband (yes this ties in) who is light years ahead of my on this. He was injured in high school and his football dreams were stripped away. If you've never heard about Tony's shoulder injury and football and the life changing expirence that took place you have to ask him. Anyway after me spilling my guts out to him while he had a goofy knowing smile I made the deciosion that it was only fair to let God have all my hopes and dreams. I'm still not ok thinking of some of the things that we may have to give up. I'm not totally ok going with out all the comforts we think we deserve but I serve a GREAT God. He is filling my holes. He taking my broken, silly, and worthless dreams and making them his own. At times it is not fun but I know in the end God will get the glory and that is what is worth it!

Oh the Busyness

Well, Tony started his new job and we THOUGHT life would slow down a bit. Boy were we ever wrong. Actually I think Tony's life has drastically slowed down, but I am going full force. So here is my schedule for the two weeks:

(Today is Friday)

Sat-Tues: Babysit for a friend

Sun: Craft day for Ecuador

Thurs-Fri: Babysit cousins

Fri-Sat: Garage Sale for Ecuador

Sun-Thurs: VBS

Now throw in things like laundry and grocery shopping and house work and you quickly understand why its CRAZY! Needless to say summer will be flying away in the Snyder Household.

I have heard people talk about the need to say no. That is something I have worked on very hard for the last two years, especially after Sweet Pea's birth. I'm not too bad at it. Everything on the list above is stuff I really feel like God has put in my life for particular reason. Whether its to support the friend who supports youth or to raise money for orphans....these are things important to me. It kinda stinks that they all fell at the same time but I guess that's summer and that's life.

However, this has made me realize how fortunate I am to stay home w/ this little miss.

Sweet Pea frustrated w/ her cousin for stealing her cup.

God has really blessed Tony and myself beyond our wildest imaginations to allow me to be with her. We now do something most nights. If God had not given us the finances for me to stay home then not only would I miss her every day, but every night also. She is constantly learning new things which I get experience. This week was hand clapping and making a popping noise (she is imitating others....so amazing.) So even though I get overwhelmed at times w/ all the stuff I am glad that none of it gets in the way of me being a mom.