This post was originally written and published in June 2010.
For me this is not going to be an easy blog to articulate. I'm probably
going to just blurt it all out and hope it makes since. Lately as I have
been hearing a common theme run through many random different sources.
Each time I hear it I get a little heart tug and conviction. Finally,
after a friend posted an amazing blog about her families journey to
Mexico I figured I had better start listening to God.
over again I keep hearing that "its not about me". I know, that's kinda a
"duh" thing. I think that for me personally I like to say that a lot.
It's not about me, it's about God. We need to do it for God, not for
ourselves. However, when I look at my heart, truly look at it, I don't
Ok yes, I daily strive to keep my marriage and being a
mom and ministry focused on God. However, I'm talking deeper then that.
I'm talking about hopes and dreams. I'm talking about
the picture I have of my future. I have had to ask myself a lot in the
last few days if I am truly putting those on God or if I'm focusing on
me. I find a lot myself focused on me.
When the hysterectomy
happened I saw God take a lot of my life and shake it. Shake it hard. My
hopes and my dreams for my life got twisted and turned. I have been grieving the loss of so many simple things like my family photo (if you
want me to explain that more thoroughly let me know). When that happened
Tony and myself took our dreams for our family, the vision we had of it,
and turned it over to God. We told God that he needed to recreate the
vision for us. He is using some amazing people and circumstances to help
prepare us for the future we have in adoption.
dreams died that night in the hospital I have found myself clinging to
what is left. I have told God, no you have taken enough, you may have no
more. Of course when you try and tell God what to do you are typically
in for a rude awakening.
I used to see life w/ five beautiful,
blue eyed, curly hair, white children. I knew we would adopt and I was
EXCITED about that. However, my vision never went much beyond that 5th
child. I couldn't get the picture to extend beyond that. Adoption was a shelved item for at least the next 10 years, so why fret over countries
and skin color and eye color right now. I would enjoy my "picture
perfect" family first.
As God grows my heart for adoption (I
thought I had a big heart for adoption....boy was I ever wrong) I'm
beginning to see HIS vision for our lives. It is such a beautiful thing
when God's vision replaces ours. Its rarely easy but its always right
and it fills you with hope. I am seeing God make Tony and my hearts open up to the possibilities of life.
as He is opening my heart I find those things I'm trying to keep "safe"
and "protected" and "normal" being brought before me. I find God
pulling out ideas like "empty nest" and "retirement" and "a nice home"
and "decent cars" and "vacation" and "living comfortably" and "trust
funds" and (well you get the idea) . He is slowly saying, "Will you give
up your empty nest to raise a child w/ a disability". Or "can you forgo
an up grade to the home so you can bring home one more child or support
others who do." Or "Is nice vacations so important to you that you
won't expand your heart just a little further to help a little more."
And I find myself saying to each one of these, "God I'll do anything but
don't ask me to give that up just quit yet." Soon my list of "not yets"
has grown rather long.
Heart change is hard. It is painful and
stretching. Sometimes I wish I could go pack to that silly land of bliss
with so five children. But then I look around at my hurting world so
full of the "least of these" and I just laugh. That world of bliss is
not where God is. It is silly. Silly to think that I would of truly
been happy there.
I'm so thankful for my amazing husband (yes
this ties in) who is light years ahead of my on this. He was injured in
high school and his football dreams were stripped away. If you've never
heard about Tony's shoulder injury and football and the life changing experience that took place you have to ask him. Anyway after me spilling
my guts out to him while he had a goofy knowing smile I made the decision that it was only fair to let God have all my hopes and dreams.
I'm still not ok thinking of some of the things that we may have to
give up. I'm not totally ok going with out all the comforts we think we
deserve but I serve a GREAT God. He is filling my holes. He taking my
broken, silly, and worthless dreams and making them his own. At times it
is not fun but I know in the end God will get the glory and that is
what is worth it!