"Mommy. Guess what? I'm ridding my bike really well."
"That's great! You'll have to show me when.............when you come back."
It
was our weekly phone call to our kiddos parents. A weekly event that
breaks my heart into a million pieces (so much so that I typically let
Tony handle it). I heard the catch in her voice. The reality was
hitting her of everything she was missing in her kids lives. And it was
hitting her hard.
A mom with out her kids.
Hearts broken and torn in two. Lives ripped apart. Foster care is not
pretty. As the foster parents we get to stand there and tell these
parents that we are fighting for them....not against them.
And it's hard.
See we get to see the damage that their actions have caused on their
kids. We hear things slip from professionals mouths on a daily bases
that makes us want to do nothing but cry for the reality that was these
children's lives. We get to parent these kids with a deep love and yet
remember in the back of our minds that they aren't ours.
Yet
we fight and pray for these parents....why....because it's our job. It
is what we signed up for. We are here to care for these children and
to ready them to go back home. And we have to do everything we
can to reassure those parents that we are NOT there to take their
place. It doesn't really matter how painful the reality of that is.
And
maybe.....just maybe.....we will have the chance to share Jesus with
them. Maybe.....just maybe.....we will see not just three children
changed but and ENTIRE family changed. Maybe.....just maybe......this
family will allow God to heal them from the inside out.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Curtians from Mama Made It
A few weeks ago my friend Rachel at Mama Made It had an awesome give away. I was so excited when I won. We added this super cute book to our library:
We love books about little girls who don't fit the typical mold. Chloe is no exception. The book is quickly becoming a favorite. I also won a gift card to Joann's Fabric. It took me a week to look at my list of projects I wanted to do and decided (with some help from my husband) to complete the curtains for these windows:
I love our window seat but it is a massive area to cover with curtians so it has gone undone for a year and a half.
I snagged this beautiful fabric at Joann's. I adore it. And one of these days when I finish this project I will show it to you!!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Picture Perfect: School
Last Wednesday we sent Big Brother off to school. He seems to be doing really well with it.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Foster Care - A Fathers view
If you have not read The True Atlas post you will not fully understand this post. Please read that post prior to reading this one. Once again I have no intention of offending anyone but some of you may be offended. I have no intention of discouraging anyone but if you do not finish the post you may be discouraged.
Background.
I have 4 siblings that were adopted out of the foster system. I love all of my siblings and was always taught that these are my siblings period. It was not a these kids those kids type of situation. The two youngest that my parents adopted have severe learning disabilities, some mild retardation, ADHD, Cerbal pausy, siezure disorder, and I think a few other minor problems. My wife and I have had two placements of our own both of which I will discuss below.
Why my wife and I do this.
My wife and I love kids. We have both worked with kids for several years, but that's not why we do this. We love the fact that we can give these kids a safe and loving home, but that is not why we do this.
We love that we can welcome these hurting children into our family so that they can heal, but that is not why we do this. We are involved in Foster care for 1 purpose, to share the love of Christ with these kids. Everything above is part of who we are and we love helping these kids, but there are other loving foster homes that don't have Christ. We have a chance to bring kids into our home who in both our cases have never heard about Jesus before. We get to teach them that there is a God that made everything, but among all the wonderful and beautiful things he created he chose to make them special. We get to live life with these kids and allow them to see Christ in us.
My role as a Father to these kids.
Part 1
Once again if you have not read my other post please do so. That will give you the foundation for what I believe a husband and father is.
My role for these kids is even more important than the role God gave me as a father of my biological daughter. She has had the benefit of a healthy two parent home her entire life. If you tell her that she is beautiful her response will be "I know". Sadly that is not the case for these kids. They grow up through horrific experiences and deal with life situations that I as an adult do not want to handle. As a foster parent you are not give a clean slate to write on. Instead you are given a slate with large dents in it. You are given broken chalk because some techniques you want to try wont work. They may be ineffective because of improper use of a similar method in the past or sometimes things are just off the table because of what the kids came out of. Ever response to every situation becomes extremely important. the best part about doing this though is that as my wife said "You get a front row seat to God doing miracles".
Part 2
The role to my wife as a husband is subjected to study 24-7. This is a relationship that sometimes these kids have never witnessed. In other cases they have seen such a twisted version of how a man is suppose to treat a woman that a lot of un-teaching has to be done along with the teaching. This is were living Christ in front of the kids is so important. However, this also means that when I make a mistake I know that the consequences are amplied as well.
The role to the kids as spiritual leader is new territory for the kids. If they have had any church in their past the odds are they have not had a strong male spiritual leader. How do you take over such a role without having the connection of years of taking care of these kids? How do you being to teach love and respect for a God that until they came to your house they did not know existed? These are big questions that have to be answered. Personally, I think its just like every other thing in parenting....every child is different so the way to assume that role is slightly different. For instance, with Our Guy I did not start with Adam and Eve in the Garden. I started with David and Goliath and stories about David and his mighty men. I got him hungry to learn more and then started back in Genesis. It did not take long before he was asking me every night for his bible lesson and was even willing to give up his free play time in order to get it (sometimes) if we were running late at bedtime routine.
The role of providing for these kids is extremely important. They need to know they have a safe secure place to live and that their basic needs are going to be met. There are several cases in which children are pulled out because their needs are not being met. Our kids are a prime example of this. This means that you spend a lot of time especially early on reassuring the kids that they will get what they need. However, actions speak way louder than words. It takes time for that trust to develop. This can drive you nuts.
The role of protecting these kids. Physically protecting these kids is in an of itself more difficult. For instance, our two year old son refused to eat vegetables he wanted to eat everything else and get seconds, but did not want his vegetables. This is obviously not healthy and has to change, but you cant force a child to eat either. The solution we used was giving him a smaller initial portion of his other food and then I traded him bit for bit. Eat a bean you get another bite of chicken. We have now been able to wean him off of that and can just give him a serving of vegetables like everyone else. I guess the easiest way to sum up this section is take all your original and "normal" expectations and throw them out the window. Have a goal in mind work toward it. Expectations come after you have been working on the goal for a little bit.
Emotionally protecting these kids is the hardest piece of protecting them. Basically, you cant actually protect them at all. They by law have visits and those wounds are going to be continually broken open. All you can do is be there for the kids. Try to help them learn to express their feels rather than bottling them up or just shutting down. Helping the older kids talk through and begin to understand their feelings. Helping them start to make strong connections with you so that they know someone loves them for them. Helping them feel secure enough to encourage normal development and in a lot of cases help them catch up.
Spiritually protecting these kids is not an easy task as I mentioned earlier. It takes constant work and being very intentionally in the things you do and say. Making sure these kids are pointed toward Christ while they are in your home.
You never know how long these kids are going to be in your home. For instance, our first placement was only 5 weeks. I had 5 weeks to show a 10 year old boy how a man was suppose to treat a woman. I had 5 weeks to show him that the God that created the universe though he was important. 5 Weeks to teach him the Gospel message. 5 weeks to be a strong example in his life. I pray that those 5 weeks changed his life and I pray harder that those 5 weeks changed his eternal destination.
Background.
I have 4 siblings that were adopted out of the foster system. I love all of my siblings and was always taught that these are my siblings period. It was not a these kids those kids type of situation. The two youngest that my parents adopted have severe learning disabilities, some mild retardation, ADHD, Cerbal pausy, siezure disorder, and I think a few other minor problems. My wife and I have had two placements of our own both of which I will discuss below.
Why my wife and I do this.
My wife and I love kids. We have both worked with kids for several years, but that's not why we do this. We love the fact that we can give these kids a safe and loving home, but that is not why we do this.
We love that we can welcome these hurting children into our family so that they can heal, but that is not why we do this. We are involved in Foster care for 1 purpose, to share the love of Christ with these kids. Everything above is part of who we are and we love helping these kids, but there are other loving foster homes that don't have Christ. We have a chance to bring kids into our home who in both our cases have never heard about Jesus before. We get to teach them that there is a God that made everything, but among all the wonderful and beautiful things he created he chose to make them special. We get to live life with these kids and allow them to see Christ in us.
My role as a Father to these kids.
Part 1
Once again if you have not read my other post please do so. That will give you the foundation for what I believe a husband and father is.
My role for these kids is even more important than the role God gave me as a father of my biological daughter. She has had the benefit of a healthy two parent home her entire life. If you tell her that she is beautiful her response will be "I know". Sadly that is not the case for these kids. They grow up through horrific experiences and deal with life situations that I as an adult do not want to handle. As a foster parent you are not give a clean slate to write on. Instead you are given a slate with large dents in it. You are given broken chalk because some techniques you want to try wont work. They may be ineffective because of improper use of a similar method in the past or sometimes things are just off the table because of what the kids came out of. Ever response to every situation becomes extremely important. the best part about doing this though is that as my wife said "You get a front row seat to God doing miracles".
Part 2
The role to my wife as a husband is subjected to study 24-7. This is a relationship that sometimes these kids have never witnessed. In other cases they have seen such a twisted version of how a man is suppose to treat a woman that a lot of un-teaching has to be done along with the teaching. This is were living Christ in front of the kids is so important. However, this also means that when I make a mistake I know that the consequences are amplied as well.
The role to the kids as spiritual leader is new territory for the kids. If they have had any church in their past the odds are they have not had a strong male spiritual leader. How do you take over such a role without having the connection of years of taking care of these kids? How do you being to teach love and respect for a God that until they came to your house they did not know existed? These are big questions that have to be answered. Personally, I think its just like every other thing in parenting....every child is different so the way to assume that role is slightly different. For instance, with Our Guy I did not start with Adam and Eve in the Garden. I started with David and Goliath and stories about David and his mighty men. I got him hungry to learn more and then started back in Genesis. It did not take long before he was asking me every night for his bible lesson and was even willing to give up his free play time in order to get it (sometimes) if we were running late at bedtime routine.
The role of providing for these kids is extremely important. They need to know they have a safe secure place to live and that their basic needs are going to be met. There are several cases in which children are pulled out because their needs are not being met. Our kids are a prime example of this. This means that you spend a lot of time especially early on reassuring the kids that they will get what they need. However, actions speak way louder than words. It takes time for that trust to develop. This can drive you nuts.
The role of protecting these kids. Physically protecting these kids is in an of itself more difficult. For instance, our two year old son refused to eat vegetables he wanted to eat everything else and get seconds, but did not want his vegetables. This is obviously not healthy and has to change, but you cant force a child to eat either. The solution we used was giving him a smaller initial portion of his other food and then I traded him bit for bit. Eat a bean you get another bite of chicken. We have now been able to wean him off of that and can just give him a serving of vegetables like everyone else. I guess the easiest way to sum up this section is take all your original and "normal" expectations and throw them out the window. Have a goal in mind work toward it. Expectations come after you have been working on the goal for a little bit.
Emotionally protecting these kids is the hardest piece of protecting them. Basically, you cant actually protect them at all. They by law have visits and those wounds are going to be continually broken open. All you can do is be there for the kids. Try to help them learn to express their feels rather than bottling them up or just shutting down. Helping the older kids talk through and begin to understand their feelings. Helping them start to make strong connections with you so that they know someone loves them for them. Helping them feel secure enough to encourage normal development and in a lot of cases help them catch up.
Spiritually protecting these kids is not an easy task as I mentioned earlier. It takes constant work and being very intentionally in the things you do and say. Making sure these kids are pointed toward Christ while they are in your home.
You never know how long these kids are going to be in your home. For instance, our first placement was only 5 weeks. I had 5 weeks to show a 10 year old boy how a man was suppose to treat a woman. I had 5 weeks to show him that the God that created the universe though he was important. 5 Weeks to teach him the Gospel message. 5 weeks to be a strong example in his life. I pray that those 5 weeks changed his life and I pray harder that those 5 weeks changed his eternal destination.
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