One of the goals I had for 2013 was to write a post bi-weekly. When I said this I meant that I wanted to write something that was more meaningful, more about our daily lives, and foster care. I want to get more real.
We have hit six months with our three kiddos. It has been the most difficult six months of our entire lives. Tony and I have not had a stress free road. God has chosen us to go through some tough things. Yet, these last six months have still been the hardest.
I have wrestled with God a lot. I have asked so many questions. I have wondered why He chose us. I've told Him numerous times that He must have screwed up, that we were not the parents for these kids. I have questioned and I have argued and I have been angry. Angry that God chose us. Angry that life is now so hard. Angry that three years or six years can screw a child up so much. Angry that hurt can run so deep. Angry over being told that I am not wanted, neither is the safe home, warm beds, or full tummies.
I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy, depression, guilt. I have found myself not liking a certain child(ren) in my care (if you can relate to this statement, you have to read this blog post by Lisa Qualls). I have wanted to turn tail and give up. I've found myself hoping for an out so that I could take a break. Let's just say....it's been a hard six months.
But through all this God has continued to whisper to me. He has stayed persistent, not letting me forget that, He placed these children in our lives. He has been compassionate and understanding. He has brought scripture, songs, and people in my life as both reminders and encouragement.
I'm not saying that the next six months will be any easier but I do know that God has put us here for a reason. He will not give up on us. His love will never run out. And through His love I will be able to love these kids.