Thursday, January 29, 2015
Getting Real: The Crushing Reality of Lost Dreams
Yesterday I sat in a court room and heard the word "termination" spoken. We were given a 3 month court date meaning that they are moving towards that. I watched as BioMom ran her hands through her hair, exasperated.
I came home that night and had my little boy look at me with hope filled eyes and ask, "Did the judge say I could go home?"
"No buddy. He didn't. It's not safe at home yet."
Adoption, it's born out of such pain and heartache. And yet I sit here filled with excitement. It's like a teeter-totter of emotions.
God has shown us time and time again that these kids where suppose to be in our home. He reaffirms it in big ways constantly. I've given up with the "Are you sure God?" because I know he is. And it excites me that there is a possibility that they will be forever MINE. It's an amazing feeling. It's blessing and gift I don't deserve.
However, in that seat sat a mom that deeply loves her children. She has a desire to be a good mom to them but doesn't have the ability to provide them the home they deserve. It's heartbreaking. But I'm also angry at her. Why didn't she fight for her kids?
And at my kitchen table sits a little boy who would go back to a world that isn't safe in order to be with his parents. A little boy that longs to go "home". And some day I'm going to have to look him in those hope filled eyes and crush his dream.
Now, almost two years later and adoption complete I would love to say my children's hearts are completely "sold out" to adoption. While my children love that they are adopted and have accepted us as parents there is still a part of them that wishes they could go home. Adoption does not replace desire.